Rejected Pitches: The Smiths' Songs as Lifetime Original Movies

If you are to learn one thing about me in your whole life, it is that I hate St. Patrick's Day. I hate all the green accoutrements that people wear to celebrate it.  I hate that Dunkin Donuts made a vile mint Oreo donut for it. I hate that everyone blames a drop of Irish heritage for their binge drinking today.  I hate that I can't find my collection of Leprechaun DVDs that I usually marathon indoors on this day to avoid the drunken revelry. Being so sour naturally inclined me to listen to The Smiths, headed of course by the world's crankiest but still remarkably handsome curmudgeon, Steven Patrick Morrissey. The only son of Irish immigrants,  I like to think that they still get annoyed by his vegetarianism. That is,  if they aren't dead yet. I didn't get that far on the Wikipedia page.

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It turns out that The Smiths songs were basically all written to double as titles for Lifetime movies. Just like Dark Side of the Moon was written as a soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz and The Catcher in the Rye was secretly a fatwah for John Lennon. The following list has been forwarded to Morrissey and the head of programming at Lifetime but is shared here because I am a good soul. JK, as evidenced below.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Jennifer Aniston Story, Genre: Rom-com

Aniston channels Howard Stern by starring in her own biopic about the ups and downs in her romantic life and her water-shilling career.  Naturally, the first scene takes place on the set of the original Leprechaun. Brad Pitt is played by Benicio del Toro cause it seems like maybe he's broke now.

I Don't Owe You Anything: Imelda Marcos Addresses the Philippines, Genre: Art Film

"NO REGRETS, BITCHES!" the now geriatric but  ever-fabulous widow shouts over and over again from a bathtub full of champagne and enemy blood while watching a full-length documentary on the suffering she and her deceased husband caused.

Girlfriend in a Coma: How Terri Schiavo Changed a Nation, Genre: Political Thriller

Told from the perspective of  Schiavo herself (played by Blake Lively in a broke-ass wig) as her case becomes a national battle about euthanasia.  Josh Brolin resumes his role as George W. Bush.

William, It Was Really Nothing: A Tell-All With Monica Lewinsky, Genre: Reality TV two-hour premiere special sponsored by Kohl's

Nearly two decades after their sordid Oval Office fling, Lewinsky is totally over the scandal that made her a household name.  She is living fabulously but will her life be turned upside down by the succes of her hot new line of scented tablecloths flying off the shelves at Kohl's?

Back to the Old House: Wendi Deng's Life After Rupert, Genre: Family Drama

Wendi and the girls' lives go into a tailspin when a loophole in the pre-nup is discovered and they have to move in with Deng's parents.  The movie is full of heart...and a few laughs too!

Shoplifters of the World Unite: The Downfall of Winona Ryder, Genre: Courtroom Drama

Winona Ryder plays herself since that girl DOES NOT AGE in this extremely short and not especially exciting drama about a totally run-of-the-mill shoplifting case.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Jon Bonet Ramsey's Revenge, Genre: Horror

Because nothing goes together like dead little girls and horror flicks and because I wasn't sure that the Terri Schiavo one was sufficiently offensive, here's Jonny! like you've never seen her before.Ramsey will be played by retired Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug.

I Don't Want to Watch "The Wire." Stop Trying to Make Me Watch "The Wire."

Yesterday, a man tried to convince me that I must run, not walk, to the nearest device that permits the viewing of five-years-dead-HBO-shows and sit down for sixty episodes of one of the most intelligent and raw television viewing experiences I will likely ever have: The Wire.  As if I have never been told that it's quite good. As if I don't have friends or the Internet. He is the unlucky straw that broke the camel's back, he is at least the tenth man to INSIST that I HAVE to watch the show. I get it, you guys.  I seem mad smart with a certain edge to me. Social and political issues around American decline and urban corruption intrigue me at a less-than-superficial level. I like me some motherfucking books.  I want to be a part of important conversations. I love NUANCE and ALLEGORIES.  Really,  I appreciate your votes of confidence. But for the last goddam time, stop trying to get me to watch The Wire. I don't want to watch The Wire. Below are ten perfectly acceptable reasons why, though I don't actually need any.

1.  The YouTube clip you sent me of the show failed to entice me.

2.  If I want to see Dominic West in action, I will watch his cameo in SpiceWorld.

3. If I want to see Idris Elba in action, I will watch the mindlessly entertainly Luther or that smutty movie with Beyonce and Ali Larter.

4.  I actually don't care for Shakespeare much either, so that comparison is not a value-add.

5. I already know that cities, crime, people, and bureaucracies are mad complex.

6. It is not my fault if you can't explain a real-life situation without referencing The Wire.  That is on you, not on me.

7.  For spite, because someone shrieked "FUCK YOU!" totally unnecessarily when I said I would never watch it.

8.  Because I don't want to.

9. Because you can't make me.

10. Because "My Cat From Hell" is on, OKAY?

*Drops the mic, lights cigarette, walks out.*

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Once a Deranged Fan Girl, ALWAYS a Deranged Fan Girl: A Gift from the Archives

A lot of people ask trendsetters and tastemakers like me, "Alana, what were you like growing up?" In four words: FUCKING FABULOUS, THAT'S WHAT. Some people have trouble believing me but I have been sent a gift from the past that reveals my true nature, my essence, my raison d'etre. (I know there is an accent over the "e" there but I'm too lazy to try it in WordPress. I'm not some peasant that can't speak French, okay?) My true nature and essence is that of a deranged fan girl from Hell.  And that, to me, is the greatest thing you can be.

My BFF OMG 4 LYFE, Chrissie, recently dug up the following treasures designed and delivered by Yours Truly in 1997/98. The headline "Wanted: The Following Women are wanted for stealing boyfriends from Alana and Chrissie." Truer words, baby Alana. TRUER WORDS.

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As you'll see from the title, these hot female celebrities were identified as CRIMINALS, wanted for the crime of STEALING BOYFRIENDS. And Since Hell hath no fury like a seventh grader scorned, I decided to get my Mean Girl on and take those sluts down.   For reference, me and Chrissie are the HOT BLONDES on either end of this adorable foursome of seventh graders (Hey, Mairead & Ashlee! Looking good!) so as you can see, we REALLY deserved celebritiy boyfriends.

Shorties, how'd you get so fly?

Now a lot of amazing things are happening here,  most notably the fact that we considered Hans Matheson (who played Marius in the Liam Neeson, non-musical version of Les Miserables...again with the French, I KNOW) on par with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg. Other amazing moments are listed below if your glasses aren't working.

On Neve Campbell:

"Warning: Dangerously ugly when mad or sad."

GIRL, YOU DIDN'T. Oh, I did.  My 12 year old ass just went ahead and WENT THERE. No holds barred, this was WAR.

On Sarah Michelle Gellar:

"Crime: Getting love scenes with hotties like Ryan Philippe and Angel from Buffy."

First, it's hard to believe that there was a time before Angel was a show all it's own and that there was a time when I didn't know that David Boreanz had a name. Also:

"Warning: Easy to get you off track because you can't help but stare at her dark roots. Danger Buffy With Bleach Beware."

One does not call a girl out on her bleach game unless she wants to start a FIGHT.  And I was ready for a fight.  PS- I love that she ended up with Freddie Prinze, Jr.  It means the late 90s will be alive forever.

On Winona Ryder:

"AN EXTREME THREAT TO US."

To be fair to my former self, this is still completely true. Home girls looks GOOD. I know cause I seen her.

Damn, girl.

On Claire Danes:

"Crime: Former girlfriend of Matt Damon, starred as GF of Jared Leto, Leo DiCaprio, Jude Law, and Hans Matheson."

If I had been a gossip columnist in the 90s, I would have written an angry article called "CLAIRE! SHARE!" cause she was hogging all the hot pieces back then. She still does. Girl has game,  I can respect that. However:

"Warning: If caught, she might use her awful cry to scare you away. RESIST!"

I only saw a few episodes of Homeland, is the crying still the same as it was back then?  Inquiring minds need answers.

On Gwyneth Paltrow:

Now I am really proud of myself for having the good sense to put her on the list FIRST. Even though she ended up married to someone in whom I have little to zero interest, I still recognize that Gwyneth Paltrow is a MENACE.

"Warning: Changes physical appearance often to avoid arrest by us."

Gwyneth, still up to your old tricks. Why look, here you changing your appearance into that of a sophisticated and likeable AUTHOR in the Hamptons just this weekend:

MINX ALERT.

One of my favorite comments ever written on the Internet was on a Jezebel post about her newsletter GOOP. It said something to the effect of "I just like to think of Winona Ryder sitting at home, smoking cigarettes, reading GOOP, and laughing and laughing." ME TOO, CURT COLE FROM JEZEBEL COMMENTS. ME TOO.

This has been 700+ words answering the age old question, do people ever really change? I'm just gonna leave this here:

Leomania is 4 eva.

So You Found My Blog on Google: Here are the Answers You Were Looking For

As something of a great American success story (28, female, lives alone, one cat, middle manager, KILLIN IT), I feel a duty to help others who are in search of answers. One way that people find answers is by asking search engines like Google.  These searches are easily the most embarrassing thing anyone will find about me when I die.  I've asked Google about whether my cat will eat me if I die and no one finds me, about all manner of vile illnesses that I'm convinced I have, and in one especially shameful episode, the age of consent in the UK. One of the fun things about having a blog is seeing what people Googled to end up on your blog...or so I thought.  Some SEO science magic has brought some of the coolest and some of the scariest people of the world to my blog.  They didn't find their answers here, so I am providing them now.

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To get right to it, sir or madam, the answer is a resounding "YES." I'm sorry.   Chances are, you asked Google this because someone already hexed you with scabies and you are just checking to be sure.  Scabies, being an epidermal illness, is easy to hex someone with because unlike viruses or bacterial infections, the hex does not require you to know the person's blood type or ethnic heritage. I don't make up the rules about hexes, I just report them.

If you answer "Yes" to any of the following, you too might be at risk of a scabies hex.

  • Did a recent love-interest-gone-sour have any or all of the following DVDS in their collection: The Craft, The Witches, The Witches of Eastwick, The Witch of Blackbird Pond,  Eve's Bayou, or any season of the WB's "Charmed"?
  • Did you this year, or at any time in the last ten years, attend Burning Man?
  • Did you recently meet an elderly woman in a swamp?
  • If you answered yes to the above, did you cross her?
  • If you answered yes to the above, WHY? EVERYONE KNOWS SWAMP LADIES DO SCABIES HEXES.

And now you know.

I just can't with this bitch.

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Oh you make me chuckle.  There is not a single adjective to describe these people. But some ideal choices include "trendy" "bold" "choice" "spectacular" "exquisite" and "iconic." This is by no means an exhaustive list.  I assume you were writing a trend piece on the hottest tastemakers in interior design, if you come back , please leave a link to your piece in the comments.

Because he is probably better looking than your family.

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To ask if Leonardo DiCaprio is still throwing parties is to misunderstand the essence of him entirely. Leo doesn't throw parties, he IS a party.  To your first question, I have asked his personal assistant for today's itinerary and provided below.

9:00-10:30am: Wake up, brush teeth, peel Lukas Haas off the couch after another all-nighter.

10:30-12: Emoji text-war with Martin Scorsese. Marty, WHAT A CHARACTER, AM I RIGHT? (Ed Note: PA confirmed that Marty won the emoji text war)

12-3: Have sex with lingerie model of Slavic origin who was three years old when Titanic was released in theaters.

3:30-5pm: Visit the gravesite of Knut the German Polar Bear. 

5:30-midnight: Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock.

FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

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Resources for the Homeless Can be Found Here: http://www.nyc.gov/html/dhs/html/home/home.shtml

Bellevue Hospital Can be Found Here: https://maps.google.com/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF-8&q=bellevue+hospital&fb=1&gl=us&hq=bellevue+hospital&hnear=bellevue+hospital&cid=0,0,7467693700886689760&ei=VXcCUpCSB43trQe4zYEg&ved=0CK0BEPwS

True Fact: As a city hospital, Bellevue cannot refuse anyone, so people literally fly from all over the world to go there, so it doesn't matter where you Googled from, there is help for you in our fair city!

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Being an angsty teenager is hard, I know. My advice to you is to  keep your head up, don't sext with anyone unsavory (and since you're in high school, that is almost everyone), and keep this angst to yourself until you find an appropriately sadsack venue. Examples include: Concerts by teen bands at the local Y, Hot Topic, and Benedict Cumberbatch fan fiction message boards.

And remember, angsty teens eventually turn into MIDDLE MANAGER SWANS so fret not, little one. #itgetsbetter

Ornery.

NOW!