First Time for Everything: Guy on Tinder Restores My Faith in Humanity

So I know what you're thinking, did Harry Styles join Tinder? Did someone on Tinder send Alana a series of never-before-seen-nudes of Leonardo DiCaprio from the photo shoot where he wore the swan around his neck? Did someone make her a portrait of Keith with the gun emoji? What could POSSIBLY  make a sour misandrist like Alana be delighted by someone on Tinder? As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with dating apps and sites. I've met some really great people with them but I also encounter casual misogyny and egregious forms male entitlement both in online interactions and on dates.  There is an entire genre on Tumblr devoted to these experiences. Many a book deal has its origins with a message from some human garbage on OKCupid. Dating online, and dating in general, can be very disheartening for women.

So when I reopened my Tinder app after months of radio silence, I expected the standard sampling of bad come-ons littered with the occasional "Hey." But lo an behold, I stumbled across this:

Why so sad, little friend?

 

 

 

Anyone with a half a soul knows that lovelorn stuffed animals are the single saddest creatures in the world with the single exception of owls who have lost their graduation caps.  But this sad little Christmas frog named John has hope! He is looking for love! For adventure! He may be 1'3" but golly, has he got a big heart. Naturally, I chose to swipe right. Good joke dating account are hard to do and this dude was KILLING IT.

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, look at him. HE GOES ON LITTLE ADVENTURES IN A SUITCASE WEARING A RED RIDING HOOD:

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HE ENJOYS FINE SPIRITS WITH SIMILARLY MOROSE LITTLE FRIENDS:

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HE WON A MOTHERFUCKING EMMY:

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We matched! A LOVE STORY WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

Like any gentleman, he made the first move: "Thank you for matching with me! Have a Toadully Hoppy Day!" he said.  As someone who loves a good pun, I was smitten by this little fellow.

I replied: "This made me smile in an otherwise dark Tinder world, toad"

John the Toad then broke character and revealed himself as John the man (though who can know his real name, its a fake stuffed toad Tinder account). He wrote: "I saw tinder thru a female friends setup. Scared the crap out of...waayy too many creepy dudes. Thought this was more fun and would bring smiles! Glad I could make you smile!"

And that was the end of our short love affair, dear friends. And it is at this point in this blog post that I make a grand statement about being a woman and relating to men who want to understand and be sympathetic to what its like for us out there on the Internet, in the world, and trying to demonstrate that we're not crazy when we are jaded about our treatment by men.

A lot of dudes will write lengthy manifestos about HOW THEY TOTALLY GET IT and be horrified on our behalf. A lot of dudes will appropriate misandry in a solidarity that seems disingenuous. Others will do experiments where they go online as a woman for a week and report back to us that YEAH, YOU GALZ WERE RIGHT. It's like, "Thanks, we didn't need a man's confirmation that we experience extremely degrading things online. We already knew, dick cheese."

This dude just made a simple, funny little Tinder account that was meant to make people laugh in the middle of an often demoralizing online dating experience. It wasn't littered with sympathy for our plight or excessive put downs of creeps, just a reference to an experience and a little way of addressing it with humor.

After I said it made me smile, he didn't try to turn the engagement into a date with the real person behind the account. He was making girls laugh not as a way of getting in with them but because he thought that they deserved a break from the onslaught of crap they often receive in the space. And while maybe he just didn't engage further cause he doesn't think I'm a babe, I will remind you that I go on dates REGULARLY with Leonardo DiCaprio and exude angelic light at all times:

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Kids are Dummies: Nirvana Lyrics as Heard by a 5th Grader

Strummin' my pain with her fingers and whatnot.  

The best thing about fifth grade is that it ends eventually. The second best thing about fifth grade is that nearly without exception, everyone in it a hybrid monster sitting precariously on the border between childhood and adolescence which results in them doing uncomfortable things like still playing with Barbie but making her have multiple abortions. Or singing out loud to Hole in front of their parents because they're mature enough to realize that it's good but don't realize that all of the songs are about bulimia, incest, and rape.  You know, hypothetically.

 

Last weekend when people were having a case of the "Holy Shit We Are All So Old"s because they realized that Kurt Cobain has been dead for twenty years, I fired up the old iTunes to get my Nirvana on.  I should confess that if I had to make the Sophie's choice of either ridding the world of Pearl Jam or ridding the world of Nirvana, I would let Nirvana go. Both because I think Pearl Jam was better and because I am holding out hope that Eddie Vedder will invite me into a plural marriage with him and his wife.  But I digress.  Nirvana was still pretty fucking good, even if I had no idea what in the sam hill they were talking about.  Below, my most proud moments in childhood musical musings.

 

 

Song: Plateau

Real Lyrics: "Nothin' on top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds."

Alana's Lyrics: Nothin' on top but a bucket and a  mop and a new, straight-up book about birds."

You know, because all of the previous books written about birds were beating around the fucking bush and not giving us straight answers about the airborne scoundrels. This straight-up version was going to give us the answers we were all looking for.  I still have no idea what this song is about.

Boy you so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby.

Song: Heart-Shaped Box

Real Lyrics: A tortured ode to Courtney Love's man-destroying, hypnotic, wicked gash

Alana's Lyrics: All about cancer!

Meat-eating orchids, tar-pit trap, umbilical noose, and heart-shaped box.  It didn't take Courtney taking to Twitter in 2012 to school Lana Del Rey that this song was about her box for anyone with half a boner to figure it out.   This song makes it clear why that woman has bedded so many desirables: vaginal witchcraft.

Song: Pennyroyal Tea

I didn't misinterpret any of the lyrics to this song but I did think that pennyroyal tea was some kind of cool beverage that I should try out and feel special and grown-up, the same way I felt when I ate sushi for the first time at Costco (nee: Price Club) and threw up into a trash can almost immediately after. Turns out, pennyroyal tea is an  abortifacient and it is probably best that I didn't ask my mom to get me some at the grocery store, lest she become suspicious of my nighttime neighborhood dalliances.

Song: In Bloom

Real Lyrics: "Nature is a whore"

Alana's Lyrics: "Raised a little whore"

Ironically, assumed that maybe this one was about Courtney instead of Heart-Shaped Box.  I still refuse to sing along to this one because the whole point of the song is to make fun of people that sing along to shit and I am too goddam cool for that.

 

 

Move Over Street Style Photographers, Street STYLISTS Are Now All the Rage (AKA- The Latest Tactics in Catcalling)

There was a time when I really wanted to be a street style photographer. There were only two problems, 1) I had no skills with photography nor did I own a high-quality camera and 2) I had no style.  Beyond those two things, there was really nothing between me and that dream.  For those unfamiliar, street style photography is where photographers go out onto the street and take pictures of stylish people. So. Much. Style.

It was almost as if clothing were made not for agoraphobic heiresses munching decades old wedding cake but  for people that might do things like buy groceries, make  a pharmacy run, go to a friend's house , or other activities that require one to go out on the street.   Well my friends,  the time for street style is BLEAK according to Fashionista and I believe it. Here's why.

A new and exciting trend has emerged on the streets of New York where men give free (ie- unsolicited) fashion and beauty tips to lucky ladies that pass their way!   For example, the other day I was walking home from a trip to the beach in a pair of shorts and a tank top.  The shorts look approximate like this from American Apparel.   Linked if you want em and you're a copycat.

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A kindly street stylist yelled, "Girl, you look good but those shorts are too short."

Bless the dear man's heart for alerting me to my fashion faux pas!  After all, when walking down Ocean Parkway toward my home covered in sand and carrying a food co-op tote bag, I am trying my best to impress and to please, and if God wills it so, to find a suitable bridegroom with whom I can have many strong sons with Old Testament names.

Meghan has chanced upon two street stylists recently, one giving beauty tips and the other affirming fashion choices.  Their expertise is eclectic, you see. I am paraphrasing but the one regarding beauty tips went something like this:

Beauty Boy: "Damn girl, you're beautiful."  (Or some variation of the same idea.)

Meghan  *Stoic silence*

Beauty Boy: Oh except one thing, you should really fix that eyebrow scar.

Now everyone knows that nothing makes a lady feel great quite like having a flaw pointed out to her.  It's just a little penny from Heaven on an otherwise lackluster day to be reminded, not only are you not perfectly symmetrical, but there's even more wrong with you!  Now, get thee to a laser specialist before your street stylist throws more sass your way!

Another street stylist who was super stealthy inched up behind her (the way good friends do) and whispered, "Hey I like you in them peach pants" straight into her ear.  Because besties do that for each other, they share compliments and secrets in EXTREMELY CLOSE PROXIMITIES.  The peach pants look like this:

He wasn't wrong.

Now it's true that Meghan looks good in those peach pants and it's important that the critical be mixed with the positive if you're going to be an exceptional street stylist.  Which is why I was deeply thankful for an encounter with a man who mixed a little of both in his reaction to a particular shade of lipstick I had chosen.

He said, "Those red lips looks nice."

I replied, "Thank you."

He paused a moment and said, "But you know, they're a little smudged."

Seeing as it was 2am and we had been out dancing in a sweaty place playing bad 90s pop (just kidding, no such thing), I HAD NO IDEA that my make-up might not be up to his standards.  I looked about like this with slightly more smudging cause it was an hour or so later:

Obviously trying really hard to impress.

I replied that I knew, that it was late, and that happens to make-up to which he replied "Will you kiss my shirt?" You see, the best street stylists will sometimes play role reversal where you get to give them a signature item or look that makes them street-style worthy.  Because I am a killjoy, I did not oblige because I hate to steal thunder AND because this is actually a piece of satire on how gross it is that men on the street are insulting women to bring them down a notch as a means of flirtation and gross objectification.  Feminist killjoy, at your service!

And apropos of nothing but the fact that I think we look fucking awesome in it, here are me and Meghan looking like mafia widows at a wedding a few weeks ago with absolutely nothing fucking wrong with us that needs to be pointed out.  Except maybe my favorite street stylist suggestion, "SMILE!"  Just kidding, that makes me want to chew broken glass.

If you tell us to fucking smile, there's no telling what will happen.

US Patriotism, Feminism, and Fun as Told by One Direction's "Best Song Ever"

On my 25th birthday, I received a faxed memo from God that said, "Congratulations, you are now at an age where you can enjoy pop culture phenomena unironically. You no longer have to pretend you hate rom-coms, pop country, and boy bands. Welcome to complete brain development, girl. PS- Just buy the fucking Crocs, they are wicked comfortable. " Unfortunately, some killjoys don't check their mail and are denying themselves the pleasure of these joy-creating wonder boys.   Those people are the dead worst. As Phoebe said, " No one is going to take away your Cool Kid Card for having fun for five minutes."

Without further ado, here is "Best Song Ever" by One Direction.  You can skip the two-minute intro skit starring the boys as both THEMSELVES and a know-nothing gaggle of Hollywood producers, but I wouldn't recommend it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_v9MY_FMcw

So you'll notice that the first thing they do in the song is take the opening of The Who classic "Baba O'Riley" and dramatically improve upon it....DID YOU HEAR THAT? It was the sound of one million Cool Dads slamming their fists into the table, bemoaning the lack of taste and respect for classic rock n roll among the younger generations.

Just kidding, Cool Dads talk it out  with errant youth:

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So come on Cool Dads, we can talk this one out.  Thanks, Human Resources Administration for the reminder on how to handle things when shit gets heated with dads.

ONE DIRECTION LOVES AMERICA

Harry Styles Loves America

Well, if you watched the opening skit, you realize that they do exceptional American accents in their alter-ego characters which suggests both love and appreciation for the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Except for Liam, who also got a seriously low-budget and homophobic caricature.  Whatever,  Harry Styles as Marcel, the marketing whizkid makes up for anything bad that happened in that skit. Also, Lady Zayn:

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The lady that they're all going wild over in this song is revealed to be named "Georgia Rose." Now it is a known fact that there are seven female names in England: Elizabeth, Victoria, Diana, Emma, Beatrice, Melanie, and somewhat inexplicably, Geri.  Any woman from England that claims another name is either a liar or a foreigner.  CHECK HER PAPERS.  For those curious, all men in England are named Alastair, Henry,  Charles, Benedict, William, George, and Idris.  You didn't know. But now you know.

Georgia Rose as a name is about American as it gets and they are SO into her. Also, her father is a DENTIST.  Major clue that this bitch ain't from Brittannia.  Yes, if you were wondering, I still think totally dated jokes about British dental hygiene are fair game. Deal.  Moving on.

ROYALTY LOVES ONE DIRECTION

Now, you can tell me all you want that its just a coincidence that the third name of the royal baby is Louis AND the tousle-haired angel of One Direction always wearing burgundy pants is also name Louis.  But if you look me in the eye and say that the first name, "George" is not a masculinization of the female character in Best Song Ever, me and you will HAVE. WORDS.  This observation was originally Phoebe's and she has, to my knowledge, never been wrong.  Here is the 1D namesake himself with his hot mom.

They wanted to name him "Harry Zayn Louis Niall Liam" but the royal are understated people.

PROGRESSIVE VIEWS ON FEMALE ATTRACTIVENESS AND CONSENT

Early One Direction had me worried a little in that their love connections were primarily with women with super low self-esteem.  In "What Makes You Beautiful," you'll recall that the thing that made the girl in question beautiful was JUST that she didn't know she was beautiful.  Nothing turns on a teenaged boy quite like knowing that a girl has a really low opinion of herself cause that means she will be easily coaxed into ill-advised threesomes and some flexibility-proving selfies.

"So like, do you have an eating disorder too? Cause that would take my attraction next level."

But "Best Song Ever" reveals that on their long tour bus rides, the lads have been reading up like crazy on how confidence and consent are the shit.

When asked "Can I take you home with me?" Georgia Rose replied "Never in your wildest dreams!"  And instead of being like, "Bitch I am in One Direction, there are 74 hymens waiting backstage for me to bust through!" They dance the night away with this lady who is comfortable taking things at her own pace.  This gives young women everywhere the a-okay to say "No" to male advances for which they are unprepared. 1D bleeds feminism.

Now, for FUN

Most of the other highlights from this video are visual.  So here are my favorites:

"And Niall for the shimmy!"

Harry Styles makes it run, Zayn warns folks not to try this at home.

Zayn checks out his own ass.

Louis, the older member but a total baby, cries about all this paper litter.

And finally, the most true things that anyone has ever muttered in a music video or about anything ever:

Truth Talking.