So Your Facebook Movie Sucked Too, Huh?

On my tenth birthday, I celebrated with a three layer cake covered in pink frosting and several bootleg mini-troll dolls dancing up the layers.  Before the cake cutting, my guests were invited to select a troll doll of their liking as a party favor and proceed to lick the frosting off their naked plastic bodies.  Though I have no photos of the cake in my possession, there is online documentation of my troll obsession. Behold, the troll jumper:

Who needs Etsy when you've got a mom?

Okay, so I actually think it was my ninth birthday that I had the troll cake but whatever.  The point is, I know how to throw a goddam birthday party way better than Facebook does.  To celebrate ten years of existence, they've released your "Facebook Movie" which is actually just a crap slideshow of screenshots from your Facebook career.  The first rule of retrospective slideshows is you have to set them to "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6.

There is no second rule of retrospective slideshows.

While there is some variation among these, I have seen two primary trajectories that Facebook Movies take among my peer group, both will make you feel TERRIBLE.

Trajectory 1: The Unmarried Young Professional

If you don't have the minute it takes to watch your movie, the most important takeaway is that you got OLDER.   Hopefully you tapered off on your binge-drinking too.

Your most-liked statuses are jokes you made at peak usage hours and have precious little to do with your accomplishments or relationships, which they've mercifully spared you of rehashing (or maybe that's just me cause I never interacted with romantic interests on the ole 'book).

75% of my most-like statuses were about celebrities (The Spice Girls, Tony Blair, Keanu Reeves, Kate Beckinsale & Claire Danes for those keeping track at home).    Thanks for reminding what a bang-up job I did of being poignant, Facebook.

If you went to NYU and haven't deleted your old photo albums, there is a strange phenomenon of EVERYONE looking kind of strung out.  I think we all had vitamin deficiencies or something.  Good thing so few of you are deranged enough to seek public office.

Who do you think you're kidding, Bobcat (Violet)? The NYU mascot situation was weird.

Trajectory 2:  Married With Children

First of all, congratulations on your marriage and the birth of your child(ren)! I am being completely sincere, those are major milestones in the lives of people who want them.  But my guess is that your Facebook movie is less about you than it is about them.

Any jokes you made that weren't about the half-adorable half-lunatic things your kid said simply did not make the cut. Your life before your family was completely obliterated because people are way more stoked that you got married than that you hiked the foothills of the Himalayas or got your dream job.   I semi-relate because the pictures they used for my preview were overwhelming of my fur kid since I don't have any skin kids yet:

An accurate assessment of my priorities, if I'm being honest.

I know that a vaguely magical algorithm trawler made this thing, but COME ON Facebook.  For how well you creep on my online shopping habits, you got a seriously budget robot to tell the story of the last ten years of my online social life.  The least you could have done is remind me of how "Poke"able I was in my early twenties or how many sheep I threw at my friends.

Warning: Professional sheep thrower.  Do not try in real life.

New York's Got Problems, I've Got Solutions: Snakes in Make-Up Edition

Another day, another plot line ripped directly from the hellscape that is my brain during REM sleep and plopped into the local news! BEHOLD: A BUNCH OF FUCKING SNAKES FOUND ALIVE IN A BAG IN BOERUM HILL.  Now anyone with a lick of sense knows that there is only one instance in which snakes and bags go together:

Everything in it's proper order, you see.

But nooo, this was not a bag MADE of snakes, it was a bag FULL of snakes.  You know,  just the latest in a series of little gimmicks the stunt queens of the reptile world have thrown our way here in New York.  The sadistic writer of the Gothamist article  above was kind enough to link to a number of other incidents in which these legless motherfuckers make surprise appearances in the lives of innocent human beings and ruin their entire lives in so doing.

Fortunately for this fair city's residents,  there is a resourceful hero living among them.  That hero, of course, is me.  You see, I was reading an article this morning in The Economist that mentions that animal testing of cosmetics is mandatory in China.  I know you thought that the whole  Sucking-the-Bile-Out-of-Bear-Stomachs-for-Junk-Science-Reasons was the worst that emerging superpower could go in terms of its animal treatment record but no, they gotta put lipstick on 'em BY LAW too.  

Substance in image unconfirmed as bile.

However, the Chinese Food and Drug Administration has recently announced that they will begin lightening this restriction for certain cosmetics starting in June 2014.   I would like to suggest that before they begin to phase out animal testing, that we send every snake in America to China to have cosmetics tested on their sinister non-asses.   I propose to do for America what St. Patrick did for Ireland and look how well THAT country is doing? Lotion em up, give em some rouge, and shampoo the devil out of 'em all you want because they are serpenta non grata in these parts.

You look great, you harbinger of doom and author of The Fall of Man.

After their ordeal, they can be unceremoniously made into handbags or turned into jump ropes for forest foxes. 

A dramatization.

I don't care where they go really, I just want them gone.  In the words of Susan Sarandon and Natalie Portman, ANYWHERE BUT HERE. 

Natalie Portman does NOT approve this message.



Trend Alert: Animals as Cover Boys and Girls, Four Cats (and One Pig) That Deserve Mainstream Covers

Last week, New York Magazine made one of their best editorial/artistic decisions to date and put Grumpy Cat on their cover. It was a bold, provocative image that I am certain made copies fly off the shelves and will one day be worth several hundred thousand dollars. My knowledge of this inevitability meant that I immediately drained my 401(K) and savings account to buy gold dresses and leather jackets (practical, classic pieces I assure you) at Loehmann's cause I know that my retirement fund is tucked away in my bedside drawer! 20131007-145608.jpg

But the cover also got me thinking about the criminal underrepresentation of cats and other animals on mainstream magazine covers. Famous animals are blowing up in other media platforms and it is time for the print editors to take note. For the list below, good ladies and sirs, you are welcome.

Choupette Lagerfeld on Vogue


This is the point in this blog post where you all let out a collective "Duh." The unparalleled sophistication, style, and elegance of Choupette Lagerfeld deserves to be on the cover of Vogue far more than many of her totally low-budget predecessors. The feline companion of an amphibious vampire, Choupette knows fashion and ferocity like no other. Hold my calls, I'm getting Anna on the line and I'm not getting off until I see justice done.

Keyboard Cat on Rolling Stone


Over the last decade Rolling Stone has clamored for relevance and until recently, had fallen off my radar entirely until they put a handsome young psycho killer on the cover. It's time for Rolling Stone's cover to once again be home to cutting edge musicians and sex symbols. Also, might I ask how on God's green Earth someone was convinced to use what I am convinced is the only boner-killing photograph of Jon Hamm for this particular cover?

Oscar the Bionic Cat on Scientific American


In the future, when all of us are vaguely or perhaps entirely bionic, we will look back at the pioneering young Oscar whose bionic legs tap-tap-tapped their way into our hearts a few years back as like, the prototype for our future dystopian condition. Not only is Oscar a scientific miracle, he is also a camera-ready cover boy. Also, my mom is a subscriber and it would just make her damn day to see a feature on this guy.

My Keith on The New Yorker


Iconic magazines deserve iconic cover art. The New Yorker is no stranger to featuring cats on their covers (cause they know what's up) but it is unclear based on my rigorous research whether a specific cat has ever been featured. My little legend-in-the-making in an elegant portrait-style cover would give their erudite readers just the stuff they're looking for. Bold. Class. Genius. Keith.

Glitzy the Pig on Glamour


For those that don't know me personally, it may come as a surprise that Alana of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo/Toddlers & Tiaras fame is my spirit animal. Mostly because it is very uncommon to share a first name with one's spirit animal and also because I should frown on the beauty pageant industry and irresponsible pet ownership as a noted feminist and animal liberator. In the first season of the show, Glitzy came into our hearts and set up shop for good with his good looks and better  attitude. He was fun and stylish but relatable, much like most of Glamour's content. Though he ultimately left the show for what I'm sure were better things, I think it is high time for him to return to the spotlight in a sexy, smily cover shoot.

Now, obviously magazines can't do this for every cover but they would be wise to add such creatures to their roster of features.  I think New York really saw success with this one as their most recent cover is Joaquin Phoenix, who, if you've seen I'm Not There, has some fairly animalistic tendencies.  Also, there was that time he pretended to drown in a PETA PSA to show the plight of fish.


So there's that.

Budget Cat Fashion for the Lady Who Spends All Her Money on the Damn Cat

As you probably know, cats and fashion are having their day and I for one could not be happier. Fancy fashion cats are blowing up Twitter, throwing exciting fashion shows at cool hotels, and cat apparel is appearing on high-trafficked lady sites too.  But I bet you've been wondering when I, a known cat fashion enthusiast and reputable source of all things fashion would weigh in with all my cat style secrets.  Today is when, motherfucker. For years, cat people have waited in the shadows as bird-silhouettes, that wretched sea monster the octopus, tiny deer, and those insufferable know-it-all owls had their days in the fashion spotlight.  WELL IT'S OUR TIME NOW.

Daytime Corporate Cat

I read in a fashion magazine a few years ago that wearing a memorable, classy patterned shirt with a suit to job interviews makes you stand out and is increasingly acceptable outside of business-formal settings.  I subsequently decided that every job I was ever rejected for was because I had worn solids and not because of any mistakes during my interviews or gaps in my skill set.

"I want that repurrrrt on my desk right meow!"

With this shirt from Forever 21,  I will never lose out on another position again.  A cat pattern shows that you are a person of style, sophistication, and professionalism.  This shirt also has the added value of curbing my animal hoarding urges. I realize it's irresponsible and incredibly inhumane to have 37 real live cats but I still find no sight more compelling than that of as many cats as possible.  These cats are one-dimensional but it doesn’t make them any less sexy or compelling.

Party Like A King Nighttime Cat

I have two friends, from Iran and Serbia respectively, who believe that constitutional monarchies are the best options for their home countries' governance.  I never fully understood how anyone in the 21st century could feel this way until I found this Cat-as-King-Tutankhamun muscle tee at Marshall's.


I would be totally down for a monarchy with a cat at the helm. They would be the ultimate benevolent dictators and there is nothing cuter than a cat wearing a tie. The only thing that even comes close is a baby dressed as a lobster and even those can be hit-or-miss.

So this shirt doubles as both a political statement and a party shirt.  I like to pair it with colorful jeans because colorful jeans are a thing now and I am trying really hard to get into things that are now things.

True story, on my way home from wearing this out, I ran into the more rare but still exciting cat fashion MAN on the subway and asked if I could take this picture of his shirt.  Since cat people are the best people, he happily obliged.


#ForeverAlone Homebody Vintage Cat

In the summer of 2008, I went on three dates with an excellent cat man named Kevin.  Though he moved away for graduate school that fall, to this day I receive cat-related paraphernalia in the mail on holidays and birthdays. A cat bond is a bond for life.  This photo features both an exquisite wall-hanging from Kevin and a hand-painted vintage cat sweatshirt.


To be honest, I have no idea what is going on with this sweatshirt.  It has a giant rectangular screen on it and the cat appears to be gazing into a crystal ball with a Christmas tree inside, I assume seeking answers to the riddles of the universe. The thing about cat ladies is that people are going to assume that you're already batshit so having clothes with nonsense cat scenes on them is totally a-okay.

I paired this with a friend's "Crazy Cat Lady" mug to complete the look.  Because it stops being sad if you just totally own it.

Catcessories for Your Busy Lifestyle

By far the worst thing about having sex is the fact that you are not able to wear cat clothing during the act, reminding your partner that yeah, they're alright but that cats are your real priority in life. That's where the cat manicure comes in.

  I almost got these done in black but remembered that my little greybie would be absolutely hysterical if I did.

A cat manicure is surprisingly simple (or Claire is just a master that made it look that way when she did mine all easy-like) and it allows you have ten miniature portraits of your feline friend with you at all times because we all know that going all the way to your phone's picture gallery is something you simply don't have time for when you’re a super exciting and busy cat person.

Speaking of phones, does yours have a case? It should, phones are very fragile and expensive. Skin-It will take your cat's photo (or any photo, but LBR, who wants anything but a cat photo for these things?) and make a custom case featuring your itty bitty kitty's beautiful little head.  Or a full-body shot if you’re feeling frisky. (Did you see what I did there?)

 I just called to say “I love you.”

Like I said, no one has time to open their phone's photo gallery so simply leaving your phone screen down at cool events while your special someone's beautiful little mug gazes back up at you is the most stylish way to keep your furry companion around when you’re on the go. Unfortunately, my cat Keith did not cooperate as either a scarf OR a bra for the final photo.  But oh my God, THAT FACE. If loving him more than anything is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.

My reluctant muse.