Go Home, Kendall and Kylie, This is the Hottest Bitch at Coachella

Are you watching a video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing at Coachella right now? If you answered, "No," fuck you, I hate you, watch this video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing at Coachella right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N49qrDk6BTA

Like most women born between 1884 and 2013, I have a very detailed plan for precisely how I will react when I encounter Leonardo DiCaprio.   And when I do, it is gonna be cause of deja-vu for old Leo because it will be exactly like this chick who made it.


I know, girl. I know.

Some people think that camera phones were invented for multimedia sexting. They werent', they were invented for when people saw Leonardo DiCaprio in the wild.  It is unclear to me why every dumbass in this video is like "Lol, whatever" when they have Leonardo DiFuckingCaprio dancing like a lunatic from one of the lesser Duke fraternities who just did ecstasy for the first time while on Spring Break in San Diego (though the dancing obviously took place in Tijuana nightclub Safari).  Fortunately, God sent the angel above to capture it for us.  If anyone knows how I can contact this intrepid reporter, please let me know.  I have a gift for her.




Rejected Pitches: The Smiths' Songs as Lifetime Original Movies

If you are to learn one thing about me in your whole life, it is that I hate St. Patrick's Day. I hate all the green accoutrements that people wear to celebrate it.  I hate that Dunkin Donuts made a vile mint Oreo donut for it. I hate that everyone blames a drop of Irish heritage for their binge drinking today.  I hate that I can't find my collection of Leprechaun DVDs that I usually marathon indoors on this day to avoid the drunken revelry. Being so sour naturally inclined me to listen to The Smiths, headed of course by the world's crankiest but still remarkably handsome curmudgeon, Steven Patrick Morrissey. The only son of Irish immigrants,  I like to think that they still get annoyed by his vegetarianism. That is,  if they aren't dead yet. I didn't get that far on the Wikipedia page.


It turns out that The Smiths songs were basically all written to double as titles for Lifetime movies. Just like Dark Side of the Moon was written as a soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz and The Catcher in the Rye was secretly a fatwah for John Lennon. The following list has been forwarded to Morrissey and the head of programming at Lifetime but is shared here because I am a good soul. JK, as evidenced below.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Jennifer Aniston Story, Genre: Rom-com

Aniston channels Howard Stern by starring in her own biopic about the ups and downs in her romantic life and her water-shilling career.  Naturally, the first scene takes place on the set of the original Leprechaun. Brad Pitt is played by Benicio del Toro cause it seems like maybe he's broke now.

I Don't Owe You Anything: Imelda Marcos Addresses the Philippines, Genre: Art Film

"NO REGRETS, BITCHES!" the now geriatric but  ever-fabulous widow shouts over and over again from a bathtub full of champagne and enemy blood while watching a full-length documentary on the suffering she and her deceased husband caused.

Girlfriend in a Coma: How Terri Schiavo Changed a Nation, Genre: Political Thriller

Told from the perspective of  Schiavo herself (played by Blake Lively in a broke-ass wig) as her case becomes a national battle about euthanasia.  Josh Brolin resumes his role as George W. Bush.

William, It Was Really Nothing: A Tell-All With Monica Lewinsky, Genre: Reality TV two-hour premiere special sponsored by Kohl's

Nearly two decades after their sordid Oval Office fling, Lewinsky is totally over the scandal that made her a household name.  She is living fabulously but will her life be turned upside down by the succes of her hot new line of scented tablecloths flying off the shelves at Kohl's?

Back to the Old House: Wendi Deng's Life After Rupert, Genre: Family Drama

Wendi and the girls' lives go into a tailspin when a loophole in the pre-nup is discovered and they have to move in with Deng's parents.  The movie is full of heart...and a few laughs too!

Shoplifters of the World Unite: The Downfall of Winona Ryder, Genre: Courtroom Drama

Winona Ryder plays herself since that girl DOES NOT AGE in this extremely short and not especially exciting drama about a totally run-of-the-mill shoplifting case.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Jon Bonet Ramsey's Revenge, Genre: Horror

Because nothing goes together like dead little girls and horror flicks and because I wasn't sure that the Terri Schiavo one was sufficiently offensive, here's Jonny! like you've never seen her before.Ramsey will be played by retired Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug.

Trent Reznor, Word Play, and Grown Goths: A Night at Barclay's With Nine Inch Nails

On Monday, after a long day watching people make the same Columbus Day jokes all over social media, I was pleasantly surprised by a former roommate of mine who I haven't seen in years inviting me to see Nine Inch Nails and Godspeed! You Black Emperor at Barclay's. My text message confirmed politely that I would indeed like to attend, but on the inside I was saying this:


I'm glad that you are here with me as I make the exciting foray from Common Blog Enthusiast to the much more exciting Concert Reviewer. 

You Can Have It All, My Empire of SHIRTS

Far and away the worst thing about the show was the point at which Trent Reznor changed from muscle tee to common t-shirt, hiding away the ripped lean muscle that he has been sporting over the past few years.  A series of searches like  "Trent Reznor Arms" and "Trent Reznor Workout" rendered only images from around 2007 when he was rocking a bit more dude-bro bulk like this:


So imagine the above but a little leaner and in a muscle tee and not that humiliating collared sleeveless button-down monstrosity.  I'll wait here....You got it?  GOLD, RIGHT?  SO you can imagine my disappointment when halfway through he was overcome with modesty and put on something with sleeves.  That or he was drenched in sweat from performing his ass off despite being 48 years old and having mountains of money and a smokin' hot wife at home.  He does this for THE FANS, you guys.

 Pretty BABE Machine

For some, the best part of the 90s was the democratization of the former Soviet countries and the worldwide prosperity closely associated with the Clinton administration. For me, the best part of the 90s was the rumor that Trent Reznor and Tori Amos were lovers and/or siblings and/or BOTH and that that was the source of their rivalry.  Combining that with their sartorial choices at the time, the whole charade was all very Edwardian.  Anyway, Tori mentions Pretty Hate Machine in the song "Caught a Lite Sneeze" so I went on this tangent.  Here are those two adorable creepsicles in their heydays:

I just can't with these two.

What I wanted to let you know before I got sidetracked with nostalgia was that the babe to non-babe ratio at the show skewed HEAVILY in favor of people who prefer babes.  It turns out that lots of awkward, misunderstood youth grow up and convert all that angst into serious fitness regimens and learn what hairstyles looks go best with their face shape and eyebrows.   Good work, everyone.  Everyone did a bang-up job growing up and getting hot just like they always dreamed.  Now let's all get ragey.

Other Titles Considered for This Section:

March of the Babes, The Babecoming, Every Babe is Exactly the Same

Head Like a...Holy Moly There Are a Lot of White People Here

Breaking News: White people love Nine Inch Nails.   Sorry I didn't warn you that you might want to sit down for this news.   It probably isn't news to you that the audience would be overwhelmingly white but it was still startling, particularly because NIN had a pretty killer lighting designer that liberally used blinding flashes out into the audience that reflected all of our pastiness.

This image doesn't fully capture the experience but you get the idea:


Also, guys, PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONES WHILE TRENT IS TALKING. Bow down before the one you serve, as it were.

You and Me, We're in This ToGOTHer Now

Now you didn't think I would write a post about Nine Inch Nails, the 90s, and attractiveness and leave out Goths, did you? In addition to the babes I mentioned before, the Goths came and they DELIVERED.  I'm not a monster so I didn't take pictures of their expert fashions cause RUDE but here are some examples culled from the Internet of the most choice looks I saw.


The plaid Doc Marten is a staple of the Fun Goth wardrobe and I saw at least three pairs at the show. I am not sure when red plaid became the signature print of the mall/fun Goth aesthetic but I send my best wishes to whoever made it happen.


The fishnet sleeve, to my knowledge, is only available at stripper clothing outlets if I can judge exclusively by window displays so these are not for the sheepish Goth that wants to avoid sullying their reputations by being seen at such establishments.  These are for a daring Goth that is committed to their look and will suffer under-arm discomfort, terrible tan lines, and chills in fall weather.


And of course no goth look is complete without one of history's great unholy alliances coming out in full force: cleavage and dark make-up.  I cursed the day I started going with orangy red lipsticks and mostly full-coverage tops. I didn't catch any super-fun contact lenses that complete the look above but I'm CERTAIN they were lurking.

LOL, I tricked you into reading 900 words that were just observing attractiveness and whiteness and had nothing to do with the concert itself.  It was incredible, blah blah blah.  Trent Reznor is one of the most talented musicians of his generation and gave a spectacular performance, blah blah blah.  You knew that was all true already.

Sexy Science Sunday: I Wish I Knew How To Quit You, Richard Dawkins

In addition to several witty cats and One Direction fans the world over, I follow a lot of scientists on Twitter. I have a sincere and compelling interest in learning about the latest scientific breakthroughs of our day and consider scientists some of the most important members of our society when it comes to progressing as a species, both here on Earth and as we reach deeper into the abyss of outer space. Also, some scientists are looking damn fly. (Elon Musk, call me?) A lot of people talk about Richard Dawkins being controversial, but do a lot of them talk about him being a STONE FOX? The renowned atheist and asshole (the two being unrelated, just co-existing in this particular man) Richard Dawkins has recently come out with an autobiography about his journey to becoming a scientist and I couldn't even tell you the title because I was too busy ogling the picture on the front cover but you can read the cover yourself if vaguely mean-spirited but brilliant scientists are also your thing.


Now, my relationship (and by "relationship" I mean "my personal feelings about a person who has no clue who I am cause he is a famous scientist and I am a soon-to-be-partially-employed goofus") is complicated. I read The God Delusion three months before attending Divinity School and was like "Oh shit, this sexy piece might be right. There goes a few tens of thousands of dollars. Ehhh, YOLO." Except I didn't say "YOLO" at the time cause it was 2010 and YOLO hadn't been invented yet. And then when I saw pictures like this, it was just over:


Look at all the science he is doing! I can't even imagine what that contraption does but I bet it detects genes and I don't know, conjures the ghost of Charles Darwin. Wait, that's magic, not science. Scratch that. Anyway, homeboy looked good. The problem is that Richard Dawkins is kind of a woman hater and an Islamophobe.

Why must you be like that, Mr., excuse me, Dr. Dawkins? Why can't you be like this:


What you are super good at is investigating things in tiny jars to uncover the secrets of our evolutionary past, not getting in Twitter fights with religious people and women. You are far too accomplished to degrade yourself like a common Millennial. Now get back to those tiny jars and find the Sexy Gene.

This may surprise you, but this isn't the first time I've had a crush on a real asshat. But there is hope for me yet. Some Google perusing brought me upon these photos of another Twitter scientest (Twienstist? Scientweeter?) that is actually super diplomatic, kind, and doesn't say mean and ridiculous things. Neil deGrasse Tyson, if you're reading this (you aren't), call me.