On Monday, after a long day watching people make the same Columbus Day jokes all over social media, I was pleasantly surprised by a former roommate of mine who I haven't seen in years inviting me to see Nine Inch Nails and Godspeed! You Black Emperor at Barclay's.
My text message confirmed politely that I would indeed like to attend, but on the inside I was saying this:
AJGINWVUOREBNgubw FUCK FUCK FUCK TRENT REZNOR IS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY UEBOJGNROUTU #*%%% HHEHGAEFEBE ENNGRG= TTEHINRUNGNEGJRNorwn..311inLA.
I'm glad that you are here with me as I make the exciting foray from Common Blog Enthusiast to the much more exciting Concert Reviewer.
You Can Have It All, My Empire of SHIRTS
Far and away the worst thing about the show was the point at which Trent Reznor changed from muscle tee to common t-shirt, hiding away the ripped lean muscle that he has been sporting over the past few years. A series of searches like "Trent Reznor Arms" and "Trent Reznor Workout" rendered only images from around 2007 when he was rocking a bit more dude-bro bulk like this:
So imagine the above but a little leaner and in a muscle tee and not that humiliating collared sleeveless button-down monstrosity. I'll wait here....You got it? GOLD, RIGHT? SO you can imagine my disappointment when halfway through he was overcome with modesty and put on something with sleeves. That or he was drenched in sweat from performing his ass off despite being 48 years old and having mountains of money and a smokin' hot wife at home. He does this for THE FANS, you guys.
Pretty BABE Machine
For some, the best part of the 90s was the democratization of the former Soviet countries and the worldwide prosperity closely associated with the Clinton administration. For me, the best part of the 90s was the rumor that Trent Reznor and Tori Amos were lovers and/or siblings and/or BOTH and that that was the source of their rivalry. Combining that with their sartorial choices at the time, the whole charade was all very Edwardian. Anyway, Tori mentions Pretty Hate Machine in the song "Caught a Lite Sneeze" so I went on this tangent. Here are those two adorable creepsicles in their heydays:
What I wanted to let you know before I got sidetracked with nostalgia was that the babe to non-babe ratio at the show skewed HEAVILY in favor of people who prefer babes. It turns out that lots of awkward, misunderstood youth grow up and convert all that angst into serious fitness regimens and learn what hairstyles looks go best with their face shape and eyebrows. Good work, everyone. Everyone did a bang-up job growing up and getting hot just like they always dreamed. Now let's all get ragey.
Other Titles Considered for This Section:
March of the Babes, The Babecoming, Every Babe is Exactly the Same
Head Like a...Holy Moly There Are a Lot of White People Here
Breaking News: White people love Nine Inch Nails. Sorry I didn't warn you that you might want to sit down for this news. It probably isn't news to you that the audience would be overwhelmingly white but it was still startling, particularly because NIN had a pretty killer lighting designer that liberally used blinding flashes out into the audience that reflected all of our pastiness.
This image doesn't fully capture the experience but you get the idea:
Also, guys, PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONES WHILE TRENT IS TALKING. Bow down before the one you serve, as it were.
You and Me, We're in This ToGOTHer Now
Now you didn't think I would write a post about Nine Inch Nails, the 90s, and attractiveness and leave out Goths, did you? In addition to the babes I mentioned before, the Goths came and they DELIVERED. I'm not a monster so I didn't take pictures of their expert fashions cause RUDE but here are some examples culled from the Internet of the most choice looks I saw.
The plaid Doc Marten is a staple of the Fun Goth wardrobe and I saw at least three pairs at the show. I am not sure when red plaid became the signature print of the mall/fun Goth aesthetic but I send my best wishes to whoever made it happen.
The fishnet sleeve, to my knowledge, is only available at stripper clothing outlets if I can judge exclusively by window displays so these are not for the sheepish Goth that wants to avoid sullying their reputations by being seen at such establishments. These are for a daring Goth that is committed to their look and will suffer under-arm discomfort, terrible tan lines, and chills in fall weather.
And of course no goth look is complete without one of history's great unholy alliances coming out in full force: cleavage and dark make-up. I cursed the day I started going with orangy red lipsticks and mostly full-coverage tops. I didn't catch any super-fun contact lenses that complete the look above but I'm CERTAIN they were lurking.
LOL, I tricked you into reading 900 words that were just observing attractiveness and whiteness and had nothing to do with the concert itself. It was incredible, blah blah blah. Trent Reznor is one of the most talented musicians of his generation and gave a spectacular performance, blah blah blah. You knew that was all true already.