Trent Reznor, Word Play, and Grown Goths: A Night at Barclay's With Nine Inch Nails

On Monday, after a long day watching people make the same Columbus Day jokes all over social media, I was pleasantly surprised by a former roommate of mine who I haven't seen in years inviting me to see Nine Inch Nails and Godspeed! You Black Emperor at Barclay's. My text message confirmed politely that I would indeed like to attend, but on the inside I was saying this:

AJGINWVUOREBNgubw FUCK FUCK FUCK TRENT REZNOR IS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY  UEBOJGNROUTU #*%%% HHEHGAEFEBE ENNGRG= TTEHINRUNGNEGJRNorwn..311inLA.

I'm glad that you are here with me as I make the exciting foray from Common Blog Enthusiast to the much more exciting Concert Reviewer. 

You Can Have It All, My Empire of SHIRTS

Far and away the worst thing about the show was the point at which Trent Reznor changed from muscle tee to common t-shirt, hiding away the ripped lean muscle that he has been sporting over the past few years.  A series of searches like  "Trent Reznor Arms" and "Trent Reznor Workout" rendered only images from around 2007 when he was rocking a bit more dude-bro bulk like this:

trent-buff

So imagine the above but a little leaner and in a muscle tee and not that humiliating collared sleeveless button-down monstrosity.  I'll wait here....You got it?  GOLD, RIGHT?  SO you can imagine my disappointment when halfway through he was overcome with modesty and put on something with sleeves.  That or he was drenched in sweat from performing his ass off despite being 48 years old and having mountains of money and a smokin' hot wife at home.  He does this for THE FANS, you guys.

 Pretty BABE Machine

For some, the best part of the 90s was the democratization of the former Soviet countries and the worldwide prosperity closely associated with the Clinton administration. For me, the best part of the 90s was the rumor that Trent Reznor and Tori Amos were lovers and/or siblings and/or BOTH and that that was the source of their rivalry.  Combining that with their sartorial choices at the time, the whole charade was all very Edwardian.  Anyway, Tori mentions Pretty Hate Machine in the song "Caught a Lite Sneeze" so I went on this tangent.  Here are those two adorable creepsicles in their heydays:

I just can't with these two.

What I wanted to let you know before I got sidetracked with nostalgia was that the babe to non-babe ratio at the show skewed HEAVILY in favor of people who prefer babes.  It turns out that lots of awkward, misunderstood youth grow up and convert all that angst into serious fitness regimens and learn what hairstyles looks go best with their face shape and eyebrows.   Good work, everyone.  Everyone did a bang-up job growing up and getting hot just like they always dreamed.  Now let's all get ragey.

Other Titles Considered for This Section:

March of the Babes, The Babecoming, Every Babe is Exactly the Same

Head Like a...Holy Moly There Are a Lot of White People Here

Breaking News: White people love Nine Inch Nails.   Sorry I didn't warn you that you might want to sit down for this news.   It probably isn't news to you that the audience would be overwhelmingly white but it was still startling, particularly because NIN had a pretty killer lighting designer that liberally used blinding flashes out into the audience that reflected all of our pastiness.

This image doesn't fully capture the experience but you get the idea:

NINConcert

Also, guys, PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONES WHILE TRENT IS TALKING. Bow down before the one you serve, as it were.

You and Me, We're in This ToGOTHer Now

Now you didn't think I would write a post about Nine Inch Nails, the 90s, and attractiveness and leave out Goths, did you? In addition to the babes I mentioned before, the Goths came and they DELIVERED.  I'm not a monster so I didn't take pictures of their expert fashions cause RUDE but here are some examples culled from the Internet of the most choice looks I saw.

plaiddocs

The plaid Doc Marten is a staple of the Fun Goth wardrobe and I saw at least three pairs at the show. I am not sure when red plaid became the signature print of the mall/fun Goth aesthetic but I send my best wishes to whoever made it happen.

Fishnetsleeve

The fishnet sleeve, to my knowledge, is only available at stripper clothing outlets if I can judge exclusively by window displays so these are not for the sheepish Goth that wants to avoid sullying their reputations by being seen at such establishments.  These are for a daring Goth that is committed to their look and will suffer under-arm discomfort, terrible tan lines, and chills in fall weather.

gothmakeuphe

And of course no goth look is complete without one of history's great unholy alliances coming out in full force: cleavage and dark make-up.  I cursed the day I started going with orangy red lipsticks and mostly full-coverage tops. I didn't catch any super-fun contact lenses that complete the look above but I'm CERTAIN they were lurking.

LOL, I tricked you into reading 900 words that were just observing attractiveness and whiteness and had nothing to do with the concert itself.  It was incredible, blah blah blah.  Trent Reznor is one of the most talented musicians of his generation and gave a spectacular performance, blah blah blah.  You knew that was all true already.

Miracles and Magic: My Week Under the Spiritual Protection of Keanu Reeves

It is a well-known fact that the greatest line in cinema history comes from a little flick called River's Edge starring a young Keanu Reeves where he yells at his mother's suitor, "You're just here to fuck my mom and eat her food!" and storms out of the house, hair tousled, leather jacket all aflutter.  I try to integrate it into my every day life as often as possible, which is difficult because I haven't lived in the same city as my mother in ten years and my parents have a solid marriage so saying it to my dad would be inaccurate and inappropriate.  In any case, Keanu Reeves has always played an important role in my life, even from a distance. Until last week, when at the corner of Rector and Trinity I feasted my eyes upon something very similar to this:

He was on a public bench and everything!

Naturally, I smiled at the teen heartthrob turned gazillionaire turned meme and HE SMILED AND NODDED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT back. It was clear to me that Keanu recognized that I am special sort of person worthy of his time and attention.  I immediately reacted like this:

KeanuUpdate

40 people were as excited about this development as I was.  I was unable to talk or speak without CAPS LOCK for several days. Little did I know that the week that would follow would result in all sorts of magical experiences.  A brief but incomplete run-down below.

1. KEANU'S SPIRIT COMPELS TEEN CRUSH TO ENGAGE WITH ME ON INTERNET, MARRIAGE IMMINENT

I wrote this article for xoJane and tweeted it at my teen crush Gideon Yago.  He then followed me and sent this tweet TO ME, which is going to be framed in my home and somehow tastefully integrated into the centerpieces at our wedding.    I mean, I have no idea if this dude is eating cereal in his pajamas at his mom's house these days but who CARES, he was a handsome dork on television during my teen years.  There is no greater thing to have been.

photo

2.  PORN STAR JAMES DEEN MAKES EXTENSIVE CREEPY EYE CONTACT, CLEARLY LOVES ME

I am not a consumer of mainstream porn (I much prefer DIY sites like YouPorn, the Etsy of the digital adult entertainment destinations) so I only found out who James Deen was by watching The Canyons.  These are the keywords for The Canyons on IMDB:

keywords

So obviously this was my kind of movie and James Deen DELIVERED in it.  His extended eye contact to me was a sign of attraction and/or intention to kill as he does in The Canyons. SPOILER ALERTS ARE FOR SUCKERS.

3. EVERYONE WANTS TO HIRE ME CAUSE KEANU INFUSED ME WITH CONFIDENCE AND SKILLS (NOT REALLY, BUT MORE THAN THEY USED TO)

After weeks of radio silence from employers, in the last week I have secured three interviews with prospective employers. This doesn't mean I have a new job but it means that I am doing something right in my aggressive self-promotion and regular portfolio updates.  This is how I look when I go to interview, Keanu-approved, of course:

You can tell I mean business cause I have a briefcase.

4. VINTAGE HATS ARRIVE IN MAIL FROM "Mom" (BUT SECRETLY KEANU), CAN NOW HAVE BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER

So my mother recently cleaned out my grandmother's house and found some rad vintage clothes and accessories.  Among them were several adorable hats...and then there was the fuzzy one that looked just like the one worn by Jay Kay of Jamiroquai in "Virtual Insanity."  Naturally, my Halloween costume is already complete and we're a  month out!  Thanks Keanu, for sending inspiration just when I needed it.

I can just really see myself making this work.

 

5.  WE CELEBRATED THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY CONCEPTION

So technically, this day is my mom's birthday which she inappropriately told both myself and my sister (we have the same birthday three years apart) was also our conception date.  I celebrated by dressing up as an egg and forcing a friend to dress as a sperm and chase me around the neighborhood till I was caught. WHAT FUN WE HAD!  Just kidding, I sent my mom a nice set of pictures of the family pets and my sister made these bomb-ass cookies for our chemistry-lovin' mama:

Nova makes the best presents.

 

I don't know what Keanu has in store for me next.  Romance? Travel? Book deals (for books I have not conceived of or written, naturally)?  The answers will reveal themselves in time. But looking back on this week where he acted as my spirit guide, I am reminded of one of his other great lines in cinema history, courtesy of Bill & Ted:

 

"WHOA."

Hey Little Girl, Is Your Daddy Home?

Oh,  I would a thousand times. I interrupt your regularly scheduled garbage talk about celebrities and bad fashion and the Internet at large to say that, for the record, Bruce Springsteen is the greatest living human and will forever remain so.  When I was in high school, I had a specific and adorable nightgown that I wore on nights when I was fairly certain that somehow Bruce had transformed into his 1970s self and was going to crawl through my window to sing to me and make out.

That is all.  You can go back to Twitter now.

PS- I stole this photo from Phoebe, as I do most of my great works.

Once a Deranged Fan Girl, ALWAYS a Deranged Fan Girl: A Gift from the Archives

A lot of people ask trendsetters and tastemakers like me, "Alana, what were you like growing up?" In four words: FUCKING FABULOUS, THAT'S WHAT. Some people have trouble believing me but I have been sent a gift from the past that reveals my true nature, my essence, my raison d'etre. (I know there is an accent over the "e" there but I'm too lazy to try it in WordPress. I'm not some peasant that can't speak French, okay?) My true nature and essence is that of a deranged fan girl from Hell.  And that, to me, is the greatest thing you can be.

My BFF OMG 4 LYFE, Chrissie, recently dug up the following treasures designed and delivered by Yours Truly in 1997/98. The headline "Wanted: The Following Women are wanted for stealing boyfriends from Alana and Chrissie." Truer words, baby Alana. TRUER WORDS.

Wanted1

Wanted2

As you'll see from the title, these hot female celebrities were identified as CRIMINALS, wanted for the crime of STEALING BOYFRIENDS. And Since Hell hath no fury like a seventh grader scorned, I decided to get my Mean Girl on and take those sluts down.   For reference, me and Chrissie are the HOT BLONDES on either end of this adorable foursome of seventh graders (Hey, Mairead & Ashlee! Looking good!) so as you can see, we REALLY deserved celebritiy boyfriends.

Shorties, how'd you get so fly?

Now a lot of amazing things are happening here,  most notably the fact that we considered Hans Matheson (who played Marius in the Liam Neeson, non-musical version of Les Miserables...again with the French, I KNOW) on par with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg. Other amazing moments are listed below if your glasses aren't working.

On Neve Campbell:

"Warning: Dangerously ugly when mad or sad."

GIRL, YOU DIDN'T. Oh, I did.  My 12 year old ass just went ahead and WENT THERE. No holds barred, this was WAR.

On Sarah Michelle Gellar:

"Crime: Getting love scenes with hotties like Ryan Philippe and Angel from Buffy."

First, it's hard to believe that there was a time before Angel was a show all it's own and that there was a time when I didn't know that David Boreanz had a name. Also:

"Warning: Easy to get you off track because you can't help but stare at her dark roots. Danger Buffy With Bleach Beware."

One does not call a girl out on her bleach game unless she wants to start a FIGHT.  And I was ready for a fight.  PS- I love that she ended up with Freddie Prinze, Jr.  It means the late 90s will be alive forever.

On Winona Ryder:

"AN EXTREME THREAT TO US."

To be fair to my former self, this is still completely true. Home girls looks GOOD. I know cause I seen her.

Damn, girl.

On Claire Danes:

"Crime: Former girlfriend of Matt Damon, starred as GF of Jared Leto, Leo DiCaprio, Jude Law, and Hans Matheson."

If I had been a gossip columnist in the 90s, I would have written an angry article called "CLAIRE! SHARE!" cause she was hogging all the hot pieces back then. She still does. Girl has game,  I can respect that. However:

"Warning: If caught, she might use her awful cry to scare you away. RESIST!"

I only saw a few episodes of Homeland, is the crying still the same as it was back then?  Inquiring minds need answers.

On Gwyneth Paltrow:

Now I am really proud of myself for having the good sense to put her on the list FIRST. Even though she ended up married to someone in whom I have little to zero interest, I still recognize that Gwyneth Paltrow is a MENACE.

"Warning: Changes physical appearance often to avoid arrest by us."

Gwyneth, still up to your old tricks. Why look, here you changing your appearance into that of a sophisticated and likeable AUTHOR in the Hamptons just this weekend:

MINX ALERT.

One of my favorite comments ever written on the Internet was on a Jezebel post about her newsletter GOOP. It said something to the effect of "I just like to think of Winona Ryder sitting at home, smoking cigarettes, reading GOOP, and laughing and laughing." ME TOO, CURT COLE FROM JEZEBEL COMMENTS. ME TOO.

This has been 700+ words answering the age old question, do people ever really change? I'm just gonna leave this here:

Leomania is 4 eva.