Trend Alert: Animals as Cover Boys and Girls, Four Cats (and One Pig) That Deserve Mainstream Covers

Last week, New York Magazine made one of their best editorial/artistic decisions to date and put Grumpy Cat on their cover. It was a bold, provocative image that I am certain made copies fly off the shelves and will one day be worth several hundred thousand dollars. My knowledge of this inevitability meant that I immediately drained my 401(K) and savings account to buy gold dresses and leather jackets (practical, classic pieces I assure you) at Loehmann's cause I know that my retirement fund is tucked away in my bedside drawer! 20131007-145608.jpg

But the cover also got me thinking about the criminal underrepresentation of cats and other animals on mainstream magazine covers. Famous animals are blowing up in other media platforms and it is time for the print editors to take note. For the list below, good ladies and sirs, you are welcome.

Choupette Lagerfeld on Vogue

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This is the point in this blog post where you all let out a collective "Duh." The unparalleled sophistication, style, and elegance of Choupette Lagerfeld deserves to be on the cover of Vogue far more than many of her totally low-budget predecessors. The feline companion of an amphibious vampire, Choupette knows fashion and ferocity like no other. Hold my calls, I'm getting Anna on the line and I'm not getting off until I see justice done.

Keyboard Cat on Rolling Stone

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Over the last decade Rolling Stone has clamored for relevance and until recently, had fallen off my radar entirely until they put a handsome young psycho killer on the cover. It's time for Rolling Stone's cover to once again be home to cutting edge musicians and sex symbols. Also, might I ask how on God's green Earth someone was convinced to use what I am convinced is the only boner-killing photograph of Jon Hamm for this particular cover?

Oscar the Bionic Cat on Scientific American

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In the future, when all of us are vaguely or perhaps entirely bionic, we will look back at the pioneering young Oscar whose bionic legs tap-tap-tapped their way into our hearts a few years back as like, the prototype for our future dystopian condition. Not only is Oscar a scientific miracle, he is also a camera-ready cover boy. Also, my mom is a subscriber and it would just make her damn day to see a feature on this guy.

My Keith on The New Yorker

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Iconic magazines deserve iconic cover art. The New Yorker is no stranger to featuring cats on their covers (cause they know what's up) but it is unclear based on my rigorous research whether a specific cat has ever been featured. My little legend-in-the-making in an elegant portrait-style cover would give their erudite readers just the stuff they're looking for. Bold. Class. Genius. Keith.

Glitzy the Pig on Glamour

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For those that don't know me personally, it may come as a surprise that Alana of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo/Toddlers & Tiaras fame is my spirit animal. Mostly because it is very uncommon to share a first name with one's spirit animal and also because I should frown on the beauty pageant industry and irresponsible pet ownership as a noted feminist and animal liberator. In the first season of the show, Glitzy came into our hearts and set up shop for good with his good looks and better  attitude. He was fun and stylish but relatable, much like most of Glamour's content. Though he ultimately left the show for what I'm sure were better things, I think it is high time for him to return to the spotlight in a sexy, smily cover shoot.

Now, obviously magazines can't do this for every cover but they would be wise to add such creatures to their roster of features.  I think New York really saw success with this one as their most recent cover is Joaquin Phoenix, who, if you've seen I'm Not There, has some fairly animalistic tendencies.  Also, there was that time he pretended to drown in a PETA PSA to show the plight of fish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij3W0BetI60

 

So there's that.

Move Over Street Style Photographers, Street STYLISTS Are Now All the Rage (AKA- The Latest Tactics in Catcalling)

There was a time when I really wanted to be a street style photographer. There were only two problems, 1) I had no skills with photography nor did I own a high-quality camera and 2) I had no style.  Beyond those two things, there was really nothing between me and that dream.  For those unfamiliar, street style photography is where photographers go out onto the street and take pictures of stylish people. So. Much. Style.

It was almost as if clothing were made not for agoraphobic heiresses munching decades old wedding cake but  for people that might do things like buy groceries, make  a pharmacy run, go to a friend's house , or other activities that require one to go out on the street.   Well my friends,  the time for street style is BLEAK according to Fashionista and I believe it. Here's why.

A new and exciting trend has emerged on the streets of New York where men give free (ie- unsolicited) fashion and beauty tips to lucky ladies that pass their way!   For example, the other day I was walking home from a trip to the beach in a pair of shorts and a tank top.  The shorts look approximate like this from American Apparel.   Linked if you want em and you're a copycat.

redshorts

A kindly street stylist yelled, "Girl, you look good but those shorts are too short."

Bless the dear man's heart for alerting me to my fashion faux pas!  After all, when walking down Ocean Parkway toward my home covered in sand and carrying a food co-op tote bag, I am trying my best to impress and to please, and if God wills it so, to find a suitable bridegroom with whom I can have many strong sons with Old Testament names.

Meghan has chanced upon two street stylists recently, one giving beauty tips and the other affirming fashion choices.  Their expertise is eclectic, you see. I am paraphrasing but the one regarding beauty tips went something like this:

Beauty Boy: "Damn girl, you're beautiful."  (Or some variation of the same idea.)

Meghan  *Stoic silence*

Beauty Boy: Oh except one thing, you should really fix that eyebrow scar.

Now everyone knows that nothing makes a lady feel great quite like having a flaw pointed out to her.  It's just a little penny from Heaven on an otherwise lackluster day to be reminded, not only are you not perfectly symmetrical, but there's even more wrong with you!  Now, get thee to a laser specialist before your street stylist throws more sass your way!

Another street stylist who was super stealthy inched up behind her (the way good friends do) and whispered, "Hey I like you in them peach pants" straight into her ear.  Because besties do that for each other, they share compliments and secrets in EXTREMELY CLOSE PROXIMITIES.  The peach pants look like this:

He wasn't wrong.

Now it's true that Meghan looks good in those peach pants and it's important that the critical be mixed with the positive if you're going to be an exceptional street stylist.  Which is why I was deeply thankful for an encounter with a man who mixed a little of both in his reaction to a particular shade of lipstick I had chosen.

He said, "Those red lips looks nice."

I replied, "Thank you."

He paused a moment and said, "But you know, they're a little smudged."

Seeing as it was 2am and we had been out dancing in a sweaty place playing bad 90s pop (just kidding, no such thing), I HAD NO IDEA that my make-up might not be up to his standards.  I looked about like this with slightly more smudging cause it was an hour or so later:

Obviously trying really hard to impress.

I replied that I knew, that it was late, and that happens to make-up to which he replied "Will you kiss my shirt?" You see, the best street stylists will sometimes play role reversal where you get to give them a signature item or look that makes them street-style worthy.  Because I am a killjoy, I did not oblige because I hate to steal thunder AND because this is actually a piece of satire on how gross it is that men on the street are insulting women to bring them down a notch as a means of flirtation and gross objectification.  Feminist killjoy, at your service!

And apropos of nothing but the fact that I think we look fucking awesome in it, here are me and Meghan looking like mafia widows at a wedding a few weeks ago with absolutely nothing fucking wrong with us that needs to be pointed out.  Except maybe my favorite street stylist suggestion, "SMILE!"  Just kidding, that makes me want to chew broken glass.

If you tell us to fucking smile, there's no telling what will happen.

Budget Cat Fashion for the Lady Who Spends All Her Money on the Damn Cat

As you probably know, cats and fashion are having their day and I for one could not be happier. Fancy fashion cats are blowing up Twitter, throwing exciting fashion shows at cool hotels, and cat apparel is appearing on high-trafficked lady sites too.  But I bet you've been wondering when I, a known cat fashion enthusiast and reputable source of all things fashion would weigh in with all my cat style secrets.  Today is when, motherfucker. For years, cat people have waited in the shadows as bird-silhouettes, that wretched sea monster the octopus, tiny deer, and those insufferable know-it-all owls had their days in the fashion spotlight.  WELL IT'S OUR TIME NOW.

Daytime Corporate Cat

I read in a fashion magazine a few years ago that wearing a memorable, classy patterned shirt with a suit to job interviews makes you stand out and is increasingly acceptable outside of business-formal settings.  I subsequently decided that every job I was ever rejected for was because I had worn solids and not because of any mistakes during my interviews or gaps in my skill set.

"I want that repurrrrt on my desk right meow!"

With this shirt from Forever 21,  I will never lose out on another position again.  A cat pattern shows that you are a person of style, sophistication, and professionalism.  This shirt also has the added value of curbing my animal hoarding urges. I realize it's irresponsible and incredibly inhumane to have 37 real live cats but I still find no sight more compelling than that of as many cats as possible.  These cats are one-dimensional but it doesn’t make them any less sexy or compelling.

Party Like A King Nighttime Cat

I have two friends, from Iran and Serbia respectively, who believe that constitutional monarchies are the best options for their home countries' governance.  I never fully understood how anyone in the 21st century could feel this way until I found this Cat-as-King-Tutankhamun muscle tee at Marshall's.

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I would be totally down for a monarchy with a cat at the helm. They would be the ultimate benevolent dictators and there is nothing cuter than a cat wearing a tie. The only thing that even comes close is a baby dressed as a lobster and even those can be hit-or-miss.

So this shirt doubles as both a political statement and a party shirt.  I like to pair it with colorful jeans because colorful jeans are a thing now and I am trying really hard to get into things that are now things.

True story, on my way home from wearing this out, I ran into the more rare but still exciting cat fashion MAN on the subway and asked if I could take this picture of his shirt.  Since cat people are the best people, he happily obliged.

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#ForeverAlone Homebody Vintage Cat

In the summer of 2008, I went on three dates with an excellent cat man named Kevin.  Though he moved away for graduate school that fall, to this day I receive cat-related paraphernalia in the mail on holidays and birthdays. A cat bond is a bond for life.  This photo features both an exquisite wall-hanging from Kevin and a hand-painted vintage cat sweatshirt.

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To be honest, I have no idea what is going on with this sweatshirt.  It has a giant rectangular screen on it and the cat appears to be gazing into a crystal ball with a Christmas tree inside, I assume seeking answers to the riddles of the universe. The thing about cat ladies is that people are going to assume that you're already batshit so having clothes with nonsense cat scenes on them is totally a-okay.

I paired this with a friend's "Crazy Cat Lady" mug to complete the look.  Because it stops being sad if you just totally own it.

Catcessories for Your Busy Lifestyle

By far the worst thing about having sex is the fact that you are not able to wear cat clothing during the act, reminding your partner that yeah, they're alright but that cats are your real priority in life. That's where the cat manicure comes in.

  I almost got these done in black but remembered that my little greybie would be absolutely hysterical if I did.

A cat manicure is surprisingly simple (or Claire is just a master that made it look that way when she did mine all easy-like) and it allows you have ten miniature portraits of your feline friend with you at all times because we all know that going all the way to your phone's picture gallery is something you simply don't have time for when you’re a super exciting and busy cat person.

Speaking of phones, does yours have a case? It should, phones are very fragile and expensive. Skin-It will take your cat's photo (or any photo, but LBR, who wants anything but a cat photo for these things?) and make a custom case featuring your itty bitty kitty's beautiful little head.  Or a full-body shot if you’re feeling frisky. (Did you see what I did there?)

 I just called to say “I love you.”

Like I said, no one has time to open their phone's photo gallery so simply leaving your phone screen down at cool events while your special someone's beautiful little mug gazes back up at you is the most stylish way to keep your furry companion around when you’re on the go. Unfortunately, my cat Keith did not cooperate as either a scarf OR a bra for the final photo.  But oh my God, THAT FACE. If loving him more than anything is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.

My reluctant muse.

Today in Fake Problems: Sold Out Bosch Leggings

For anyone needing proof of Don Draper's astute assessment to those useless beatnicks in Seasone One that the universe is indifferent, Exhibit A: these Hieronymous Bosch Garden of Earthly Delights leggings are sold out AND no longer being produced. GardenOfEarthlyDelights

In what kind of sane, kind universe would I be deprived of these?  Ever since my sophomore year of high school when our Honor's Humanities teacher made us look uncomfortably at the graphic details of lust and revelry in Bosch's masterpiece, I've been obsessed. I had a Bosch-themed DeadJournal and insisted on bringing my Garden of Earthly Delights poster with me when I studied abroad in Ghana, despite being told to just bring essentials.  What, pray tell NYU, is less essential than this decorative depiction of the hellscapes dreamed up by a deeply religious, possibly insane Flemish man? Today, my apartment features five Bosch prints and I'm forever trying to budget in more so that I can achieve my ultimate dream of having a 100% nightmare-themed living space.

But alas and alack, they are no more.  Just another rock hurtling through space.