I Look Like So Much Stuff: A Journey

When I learned that my favorite girl group alive, Little Mix, is releasing an album today called "Get Weird," I was at once stoked because I can't get enough of the adorable troop of crooning murderesses and disappointed in myself because I don't get weird nearly often enough. The early days of this blog  were all about posting bizarre shit that I dreamed up and since like, six people saw it, I didn't care how strange it was. Now I feel like all my writing here is about writing, the blog equivalent of eating chewed Skittles from the bottom of a popcorn bucket at the Kent on Coney Island. So below instead, is a visual adventure with my face and the various shit it looks like. My resemblance to other shit that wasn't me began early. By my third year on Earth it was plain as day that Little Critter and I were cut from the same cloth. We were short, we had  gigantic faces, and we were tormented by ennui and our own idiocy.

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But as I grew older, I discovered that the only quality I possessed more of than dissatisfaction was G-L-A-M-O-U-R. The resemblance to famed dead pageant super baby JonBenét Ramsey was plain as day, even though she is three years old in her picture and I am nine years old in mine. Yes, I was a pipsqueak of a person. Yes, I killed a baby polar bear to make the luxurious pelt in that photo. No, I'm not sorry.

Alana Massey as Jon Bonet

The years wore on. My golden locks gave way to chestnut waves. Alas, I became a stone cold fox as was my birthright seeing as that glorious sorceress from Arkansas gave me half of my genetic material. Gail, you minx.

Mom and Alana

But as grateful as I was for my mother's witchery, I longed for doubles in the world who were not just magical or dead. But what should they be instead? Oddly arousing maternal figures with a fuh-reak streak like Sally Field, that's what they should be!

Alana and Sally Field

But this too was not enough. I craved more. I wondered if I would ever amount to more than the critter of my youth. My prospects were bleak.

Confused-Critters

Change was needed. Drastic change. As the years etched onto my face and wore away the tissue of my heart, I longed to be a slutty baby once again. And a slutty baby needs blonde hair. And a white dress. And a style icon like the hellspawn Kewpie Doll you see here. A change was here.

Alana As Kewpie

Soon, I began to look like all manner of shit. I dare anyone to guess who is the emoji cookie and who is me in this photo. You won't, you can't.

alana massey emoji cookie

I also looked like the tough but fair older sister to that darling Sky Ferraira in an indie breakout for both of us. We'd have French names like Servanne and Garance and smoke cigs in bed together. Often.

Alana Massey and Skye FerrairaBut why have an indie breakout when you could have a string of indie darlings? Here I was conjuring Michelle Williams thinking about an abortion and Ryan Gosling while on public transport, though I assure you my thoughts were far more lurid.

Fall Look

Sometimes, I would take drugs and fall somewhere between Scarface-era Michelle Pfeiffer glam bitch and Requiem-era Ellen Burstyn, ranting always about being on the goddamn television.

Me and Ellyn and Michelle

I grew bored of my own predilections, smoking indoors like a rotten-cored swamp teen.britney smoking.

Alana Smoking Gif

In a fit of desperation to regain my former moxie, I strategically placed a designer handbag across myself in an attempt to regain the je ne sais quoi of The Lady Miss Williams. It was in vain. Emphasis on vain.

alana michelle williams bags

I briefly turned to the Dark Arts. I excelled in them, as I do in all things. I cannot speak of what I learned or from whom I learned it.

Alana as Lucius Malfoy

As I was prepared to give up hope, I was greeted with a vision so thick with light and life that I was nearly blinded. This, surely, was my Road to Damascus.

keith is jesus

And I realized all along, that my vanity had shielded me from the love which was my destiny to embody as a double. To emulate profound love was my calling. And so I answered that call. And though to love is ultimately to lose, I was glad to bear the weight of it.

Pieta Alana Massey Collage

Marlon Brando: The Great Cat-Loving Thirst Magnet of Cinema

When I started this blog way back in the year of our Lord two thousand and thirteen, it was mostly a dedication to my celebrity thirst. Well, hop in your time machine because we're about to go back in time to that time with a brief lesson in why Marlon Brando could get it any place, any time. I mean, look at him! Tell me with a straight face that you wouldn't still do open-mouth kissing with his eleven-years-dead corpse:

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Making him even more perfect is that he was on record as loving fucking CATS. Look at these two fuckers, just hangin' right out:

tumblr_nqdcn6VOdg1r745vdo2_540Marlon would be like, "What record should I listen to, cat?" and he wouldn't just wait for the cat to affirm his own decision, he would really listen.

tumblr_mcovl0lCFN1rz5aneo4_r1_500 Marlon wasn't threatened by the incredibly erotic nature of cats, he was enthralled by it. He gave cats their smooches where God intended: RIGHT ON THEIR TINY LITTLE MOUTHS.

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This photo was taken after Marlon arrived to a movie shot and the promised on-set cat was actually not available. Surly!

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A PA tried to improvise and get him this dog. I'll let Marlon's face do the talking on how he felt about that bootleg shit.

Marlon-Brando

Fortunately, thing returned to normal. But Marlon and his cat wrote a strongly-worded letter to the production company.

marlon-brando-with-cat-m-400x300 This cat was originally cast as a glass of scotch but Marlon wouldn't budge on signing the contract without having the wisest of beasts as a pet for this classic scene.

3065297471_1ff997e758Marlon shared his love of botany and the outdoors with this cat and then she shared her knowledge of astronomy when it got darker. They lived as equals.

4760167943_caced37f04_bMarlon Brando may have been a real piece of shit person who degenerated into a ranting pile of calcified sentient partially hydrogenated oils in his old age, but we can remember the good times when dude was speaking our language.

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First Time for Everything: Guy on Tinder Restores My Faith in Humanity

So I know what you're thinking, did Harry Styles join Tinder? Did someone on Tinder send Alana a series of never-before-seen-nudes of Leonardo DiCaprio from the photo shoot where he wore the swan around his neck? Did someone make her a portrait of Keith with the gun emoji? What could POSSIBLY  make a sour misandrist like Alana be delighted by someone on Tinder? As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with dating apps and sites. I've met some really great people with them but I also encounter casual misogyny and egregious forms male entitlement both in online interactions and on dates.  There is an entire genre on Tumblr devoted to these experiences. Many a book deal has its origins with a message from some human garbage on OKCupid. Dating online, and dating in general, can be very disheartening for women.

So when I reopened my Tinder app after months of radio silence, I expected the standard sampling of bad come-ons littered with the occasional "Hey." But lo an behold, I stumbled across this:

Why so sad, little friend?

 

 

 

Anyone with a half a soul knows that lovelorn stuffed animals are the single saddest creatures in the world with the single exception of owls who have lost their graduation caps.  But this sad little Christmas frog named John has hope! He is looking for love! For adventure! He may be 1'3" but golly, has he got a big heart. Naturally, I chose to swipe right. Good joke dating account are hard to do and this dude was KILLING IT.

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, look at him. HE GOES ON LITTLE ADVENTURES IN A SUITCASE WEARING A RED RIDING HOOD:

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HE ENJOYS FINE SPIRITS WITH SIMILARLY MOROSE LITTLE FRIENDS:

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HE WON A MOTHERFUCKING EMMY:

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We matched! A LOVE STORY WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

Like any gentleman, he made the first move: "Thank you for matching with me! Have a Toadully Hoppy Day!" he said.  As someone who loves a good pun, I was smitten by this little fellow.

I replied: "This made me smile in an otherwise dark Tinder world, toad"

John the Toad then broke character and revealed himself as John the man (though who can know his real name, its a fake stuffed toad Tinder account). He wrote: "I saw tinder thru a female friends setup. Scared the crap out of...waayy too many creepy dudes. Thought this was more fun and would bring smiles! Glad I could make you smile!"

And that was the end of our short love affair, dear friends. And it is at this point in this blog post that I make a grand statement about being a woman and relating to men who want to understand and be sympathetic to what its like for us out there on the Internet, in the world, and trying to demonstrate that we're not crazy when we are jaded about our treatment by men.

A lot of dudes will write lengthy manifestos about HOW THEY TOTALLY GET IT and be horrified on our behalf. A lot of dudes will appropriate misandry in a solidarity that seems disingenuous. Others will do experiments where they go online as a woman for a week and report back to us that YEAH, YOU GALZ WERE RIGHT. It's like, "Thanks, we didn't need a man's confirmation that we experience extremely degrading things online. We already knew, dick cheese."

This dude just made a simple, funny little Tinder account that was meant to make people laugh in the middle of an often demoralizing online dating experience. It wasn't littered with sympathy for our plight or excessive put downs of creeps, just a reference to an experience and a little way of addressing it with humor.

After I said it made me smile, he didn't try to turn the engagement into a date with the real person behind the account. He was making girls laugh not as a way of getting in with them but because he thought that they deserved a break from the onslaught of crap they often receive in the space. And while maybe he just didn't engage further cause he doesn't think I'm a babe, I will remind you that I go on dates REGULARLY with Leonardo DiCaprio and exude angelic light at all times:

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In Case You Wondered How Much I Love My Cat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXn4CWT1FeA&feature=youtu.be  

My cat Keith turns two this week (though its inexact because he was found as a baby and we sort of had to guess based on his meager little itty bitty kitty body) so naturally I celebrated by making this video about the life and times of the furry little gentleman who brings joy and meaning into my broken, empty heart on the reg.

 

Personal favorites in this collection include every last goddam picture and video because I am obsessed with my cat.