I Look Like So Much Stuff: A Journey

When I learned that my favorite girl group alive, Little Mix, is releasing an album today called "Get Weird," I was at once stoked because I can't get enough of the adorable troop of crooning murderesses and disappointed in myself because I don't get weird nearly often enough. The early days of this blog  were all about posting bizarre shit that I dreamed up and since like, six people saw it, I didn't care how strange it was. Now I feel like all my writing here is about writing, the blog equivalent of eating chewed Skittles from the bottom of a popcorn bucket at the Kent on Coney Island. So below instead, is a visual adventure with my face and the various shit it looks like. My resemblance to other shit that wasn't me began early. By my third year on Earth it was plain as day that Little Critter and I were cut from the same cloth. We were short, we had  gigantic faces, and we were tormented by ennui and our own idiocy.

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But as I grew older, I discovered that the only quality I possessed more of than dissatisfaction was G-L-A-M-O-U-R. The resemblance to famed dead pageant super baby JonBenét Ramsey was plain as day, even though she is three years old in her picture and I am nine years old in mine. Yes, I was a pipsqueak of a person. Yes, I killed a baby polar bear to make the luxurious pelt in that photo. No, I'm not sorry.

Alana Massey as Jon Bonet

The years wore on. My golden locks gave way to chestnut waves. Alas, I became a stone cold fox as was my birthright seeing as that glorious sorceress from Arkansas gave me half of my genetic material. Gail, you minx.

Mom and Alana

But as grateful as I was for my mother's witchery, I longed for doubles in the world who were not just magical or dead. But what should they be instead? Oddly arousing maternal figures with a fuh-reak streak like Sally Field, that's what they should be!

Alana and Sally Field

But this too was not enough. I craved more. I wondered if I would ever amount to more than the critter of my youth. My prospects were bleak.

Confused-Critters

Change was needed. Drastic change. As the years etched onto my face and wore away the tissue of my heart, I longed to be a slutty baby once again. And a slutty baby needs blonde hair. And a white dress. And a style icon like the hellspawn Kewpie Doll you see here. A change was here.

Alana As Kewpie

Soon, I began to look like all manner of shit. I dare anyone to guess who is the emoji cookie and who is me in this photo. You won't, you can't.

alana massey emoji cookie

I also looked like the tough but fair older sister to that darling Sky Ferraira in an indie breakout for both of us. We'd have French names like Servanne and Garance and smoke cigs in bed together. Often.

Alana Massey and Skye FerrairaBut why have an indie breakout when you could have a string of indie darlings? Here I was conjuring Michelle Williams thinking about an abortion and Ryan Gosling while on public transport, though I assure you my thoughts were far more lurid.

Fall Look

Sometimes, I would take drugs and fall somewhere between Scarface-era Michelle Pfeiffer glam bitch and Requiem-era Ellen Burstyn, ranting always about being on the goddamn television.

Me and Ellyn and Michelle

I grew bored of my own predilections, smoking indoors like a rotten-cored swamp teen.britney smoking.

Alana Smoking Gif

In a fit of desperation to regain my former moxie, I strategically placed a designer handbag across myself in an attempt to regain the je ne sais quoi of The Lady Miss Williams. It was in vain. Emphasis on vain.

alana michelle williams bags

I briefly turned to the Dark Arts. I excelled in them, as I do in all things. I cannot speak of what I learned or from whom I learned it.

Alana as Lucius Malfoy

As I was prepared to give up hope, I was greeted with a vision so thick with light and life that I was nearly blinded. This, surely, was my Road to Damascus.

keith is jesus

And I realized all along, that my vanity had shielded me from the love which was my destiny to embody as a double. To emulate profound love was my calling. And so I answered that call. And though to love is ultimately to lose, I was glad to bear the weight of it.

Pieta Alana Massey Collage

Marlon Brando: The Great Cat-Loving Thirst Magnet of Cinema

When I started this blog way back in the year of our Lord two thousand and thirteen, it was mostly a dedication to my celebrity thirst. Well, hop in your time machine because we're about to go back in time to that time with a brief lesson in why Marlon Brando could get it any place, any time. I mean, look at him! Tell me with a straight face that you wouldn't still do open-mouth kissing with his eleven-years-dead corpse:

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Making him even more perfect is that he was on record as loving fucking CATS. Look at these two fuckers, just hangin' right out:

tumblr_nqdcn6VOdg1r745vdo2_540Marlon would be like, "What record should I listen to, cat?" and he wouldn't just wait for the cat to affirm his own decision, he would really listen.

tumblr_mcovl0lCFN1rz5aneo4_r1_500 Marlon wasn't threatened by the incredibly erotic nature of cats, he was enthralled by it. He gave cats their smooches where God intended: RIGHT ON THEIR TINY LITTLE MOUTHS.

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This photo was taken after Marlon arrived to a movie shot and the promised on-set cat was actually not available. Surly!

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A PA tried to improvise and get him this dog. I'll let Marlon's face do the talking on how he felt about that bootleg shit.

Marlon-Brando

Fortunately, thing returned to normal. But Marlon and his cat wrote a strongly-worded letter to the production company.

marlon-brando-with-cat-m-400x300 This cat was originally cast as a glass of scotch but Marlon wouldn't budge on signing the contract without having the wisest of beasts as a pet for this classic scene.

3065297471_1ff997e758Marlon shared his love of botany and the outdoors with this cat and then she shared her knowledge of astronomy when it got darker. They lived as equals.

4760167943_caced37f04_bMarlon Brando may have been a real piece of shit person who degenerated into a ranting pile of calcified sentient partially hydrogenated oils in his old age, but we can remember the good times when dude was speaking our language.

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