Kids are Dummies: Nirvana Lyrics as Heard by a 5th Grader

Strummin' my pain with her fingers and whatnot.  

The best thing about fifth grade is that it ends eventually. The second best thing about fifth grade is that nearly without exception, everyone in it a hybrid monster sitting precariously on the border between childhood and adolescence which results in them doing uncomfortable things like still playing with Barbie but making her have multiple abortions. Or singing out loud to Hole in front of their parents because they're mature enough to realize that it's good but don't realize that all of the songs are about bulimia, incest, and rape.  You know, hypothetically.

 

Last weekend when people were having a case of the "Holy Shit We Are All So Old"s because they realized that Kurt Cobain has been dead for twenty years, I fired up the old iTunes to get my Nirvana on.  I should confess that if I had to make the Sophie's choice of either ridding the world of Pearl Jam or ridding the world of Nirvana, I would let Nirvana go. Both because I think Pearl Jam was better and because I am holding out hope that Eddie Vedder will invite me into a plural marriage with him and his wife.  But I digress.  Nirvana was still pretty fucking good, even if I had no idea what in the sam hill they were talking about.  Below, my most proud moments in childhood musical musings.

 

 

Song: Plateau

Real Lyrics: "Nothin' on top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds."

Alana's Lyrics: Nothin' on top but a bucket and a  mop and a new, straight-up book about birds."

You know, because all of the previous books written about birds were beating around the fucking bush and not giving us straight answers about the airborne scoundrels. This straight-up version was going to give us the answers we were all looking for.  I still have no idea what this song is about.

Boy you so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby.

Song: Heart-Shaped Box

Real Lyrics: A tortured ode to Courtney Love's man-destroying, hypnotic, wicked gash

Alana's Lyrics: All about cancer!

Meat-eating orchids, tar-pit trap, umbilical noose, and heart-shaped box.  It didn't take Courtney taking to Twitter in 2012 to school Lana Del Rey that this song was about her box for anyone with half a boner to figure it out.   This song makes it clear why that woman has bedded so many desirables: vaginal witchcraft.

Song: Pennyroyal Tea

I didn't misinterpret any of the lyrics to this song but I did think that pennyroyal tea was some kind of cool beverage that I should try out and feel special and grown-up, the same way I felt when I ate sushi for the first time at Costco (nee: Price Club) and threw up into a trash can almost immediately after. Turns out, pennyroyal tea is an  abortifacient and it is probably best that I didn't ask my mom to get me some at the grocery store, lest she become suspicious of my nighttime neighborhood dalliances.

Song: In Bloom

Real Lyrics: "Nature is a whore"

Alana's Lyrics: "Raised a little whore"

Ironically, assumed that maybe this one was about Courtney instead of Heart-Shaped Box.  I still refuse to sing along to this one because the whole point of the song is to make fun of people that sing along to shit and I am too goddam cool for that.

 

 

Rejected Pitches: The Smiths' Songs as Lifetime Original Movies

If you are to learn one thing about me in your whole life, it is that I hate St. Patrick's Day. I hate all the green accoutrements that people wear to celebrate it.  I hate that Dunkin Donuts made a vile mint Oreo donut for it. I hate that everyone blames a drop of Irish heritage for their binge drinking today.  I hate that I can't find my collection of Leprechaun DVDs that I usually marathon indoors on this day to avoid the drunken revelry. Being so sour naturally inclined me to listen to The Smiths, headed of course by the world's crankiest but still remarkably handsome curmudgeon, Steven Patrick Morrissey. The only son of Irish immigrants,  I like to think that they still get annoyed by his vegetarianism. That is,  if they aren't dead yet. I didn't get that far on the Wikipedia page.

mozcat2

It turns out that The Smiths songs were basically all written to double as titles for Lifetime movies. Just like Dark Side of the Moon was written as a soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz and The Catcher in the Rye was secretly a fatwah for John Lennon. The following list has been forwarded to Morrissey and the head of programming at Lifetime but is shared here because I am a good soul. JK, as evidenced below.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Jennifer Aniston Story, Genre: Rom-com

Aniston channels Howard Stern by starring in her own biopic about the ups and downs in her romantic life and her water-shilling career.  Naturally, the first scene takes place on the set of the original Leprechaun. Brad Pitt is played by Benicio del Toro cause it seems like maybe he's broke now.

I Don't Owe You Anything: Imelda Marcos Addresses the Philippines, Genre: Art Film

"NO REGRETS, BITCHES!" the now geriatric but  ever-fabulous widow shouts over and over again from a bathtub full of champagne and enemy blood while watching a full-length documentary on the suffering she and her deceased husband caused.

Girlfriend in a Coma: How Terri Schiavo Changed a Nation, Genre: Political Thriller

Told from the perspective of  Schiavo herself (played by Blake Lively in a broke-ass wig) as her case becomes a national battle about euthanasia.  Josh Brolin resumes his role as George W. Bush.

William, It Was Really Nothing: A Tell-All With Monica Lewinsky, Genre: Reality TV two-hour premiere special sponsored by Kohl's

Nearly two decades after their sordid Oval Office fling, Lewinsky is totally over the scandal that made her a household name.  She is living fabulously but will her life be turned upside down by the succes of her hot new line of scented tablecloths flying off the shelves at Kohl's?

Back to the Old House: Wendi Deng's Life After Rupert, Genre: Family Drama

Wendi and the girls' lives go into a tailspin when a loophole in the pre-nup is discovered and they have to move in with Deng's parents.  The movie is full of heart...and a few laughs too!

Shoplifters of the World Unite: The Downfall of Winona Ryder, Genre: Courtroom Drama

Winona Ryder plays herself since that girl DOES NOT AGE in this extremely short and not especially exciting drama about a totally run-of-the-mill shoplifting case.

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Jon Bonet Ramsey's Revenge, Genre: Horror

Because nothing goes together like dead little girls and horror flicks and because I wasn't sure that the Terri Schiavo one was sufficiently offensive, here's Jonny! like you've never seen her before.Ramsey will be played by retired Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug.

Trent Reznor, Word Play, and Grown Goths: A Night at Barclay's With Nine Inch Nails

On Monday, after a long day watching people make the same Columbus Day jokes all over social media, I was pleasantly surprised by a former roommate of mine who I haven't seen in years inviting me to see Nine Inch Nails and Godspeed! You Black Emperor at Barclay's. My text message confirmed politely that I would indeed like to attend, but on the inside I was saying this:

AJGINWVUOREBNgubw FUCK FUCK FUCK TRENT REZNOR IS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY  UEBOJGNROUTU #*%%% HHEHGAEFEBE ENNGRG= TTEHINRUNGNEGJRNorwn..311inLA.

I'm glad that you are here with me as I make the exciting foray from Common Blog Enthusiast to the much more exciting Concert Reviewer. 

You Can Have It All, My Empire of SHIRTS

Far and away the worst thing about the show was the point at which Trent Reznor changed from muscle tee to common t-shirt, hiding away the ripped lean muscle that he has been sporting over the past few years.  A series of searches like  "Trent Reznor Arms" and "Trent Reznor Workout" rendered only images from around 2007 when he was rocking a bit more dude-bro bulk like this:

trent-buff

So imagine the above but a little leaner and in a muscle tee and not that humiliating collared sleeveless button-down monstrosity.  I'll wait here....You got it?  GOLD, RIGHT?  SO you can imagine my disappointment when halfway through he was overcome with modesty and put on something with sleeves.  That or he was drenched in sweat from performing his ass off despite being 48 years old and having mountains of money and a smokin' hot wife at home.  He does this for THE FANS, you guys.

 Pretty BABE Machine

For some, the best part of the 90s was the democratization of the former Soviet countries and the worldwide prosperity closely associated with the Clinton administration. For me, the best part of the 90s was the rumor that Trent Reznor and Tori Amos were lovers and/or siblings and/or BOTH and that that was the source of their rivalry.  Combining that with their sartorial choices at the time, the whole charade was all very Edwardian.  Anyway, Tori mentions Pretty Hate Machine in the song "Caught a Lite Sneeze" so I went on this tangent.  Here are those two adorable creepsicles in their heydays:

I just can't with these two.

What I wanted to let you know before I got sidetracked with nostalgia was that the babe to non-babe ratio at the show skewed HEAVILY in favor of people who prefer babes.  It turns out that lots of awkward, misunderstood youth grow up and convert all that angst into serious fitness regimens and learn what hairstyles looks go best with their face shape and eyebrows.   Good work, everyone.  Everyone did a bang-up job growing up and getting hot just like they always dreamed.  Now let's all get ragey.

Other Titles Considered for This Section:

March of the Babes, The Babecoming, Every Babe is Exactly the Same

Head Like a...Holy Moly There Are a Lot of White People Here

Breaking News: White people love Nine Inch Nails.   Sorry I didn't warn you that you might want to sit down for this news.   It probably isn't news to you that the audience would be overwhelmingly white but it was still startling, particularly because NIN had a pretty killer lighting designer that liberally used blinding flashes out into the audience that reflected all of our pastiness.

This image doesn't fully capture the experience but you get the idea:

NINConcert

Also, guys, PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONES WHILE TRENT IS TALKING. Bow down before the one you serve, as it were.

You and Me, We're in This ToGOTHer Now

Now you didn't think I would write a post about Nine Inch Nails, the 90s, and attractiveness and leave out Goths, did you? In addition to the babes I mentioned before, the Goths came and they DELIVERED.  I'm not a monster so I didn't take pictures of their expert fashions cause RUDE but here are some examples culled from the Internet of the most choice looks I saw.

plaiddocs

The plaid Doc Marten is a staple of the Fun Goth wardrobe and I saw at least three pairs at the show. I am not sure when red plaid became the signature print of the mall/fun Goth aesthetic but I send my best wishes to whoever made it happen.

Fishnetsleeve

The fishnet sleeve, to my knowledge, is only available at stripper clothing outlets if I can judge exclusively by window displays so these are not for the sheepish Goth that wants to avoid sullying their reputations by being seen at such establishments.  These are for a daring Goth that is committed to their look and will suffer under-arm discomfort, terrible tan lines, and chills in fall weather.

gothmakeuphe

And of course no goth look is complete without one of history's great unholy alliances coming out in full force: cleavage and dark make-up.  I cursed the day I started going with orangy red lipsticks and mostly full-coverage tops. I didn't catch any super-fun contact lenses that complete the look above but I'm CERTAIN they were lurking.

LOL, I tricked you into reading 900 words that were just observing attractiveness and whiteness and had nothing to do with the concert itself.  It was incredible, blah blah blah.  Trent Reznor is one of the most talented musicians of his generation and gave a spectacular performance, blah blah blah.  You knew that was all true already.

So You Found My Blog on Google: Here are the Answers You Were Looking For

As something of a great American success story (28, female, lives alone, one cat, middle manager, KILLIN IT), I feel a duty to help others who are in search of answers. One way that people find answers is by asking search engines like Google.  These searches are easily the most embarrassing thing anyone will find about me when I die.  I've asked Google about whether my cat will eat me if I die and no one finds me, about all manner of vile illnesses that I'm convinced I have, and in one especially shameful episode, the age of consent in the UK. One of the fun things about having a blog is seeing what people Googled to end up on your blog...or so I thought.  Some SEO science magic has brought some of the coolest and some of the scariest people of the world to my blog.  They didn't find their answers here, so I am providing them now.

hex

To get right to it, sir or madam, the answer is a resounding "YES." I'm sorry.   Chances are, you asked Google this because someone already hexed you with scabies and you are just checking to be sure.  Scabies, being an epidermal illness, is easy to hex someone with because unlike viruses or bacterial infections, the hex does not require you to know the person's blood type or ethnic heritage. I don't make up the rules about hexes, I just report them.

If you answer "Yes" to any of the following, you too might be at risk of a scabies hex.

  • Did a recent love-interest-gone-sour have any or all of the following DVDS in their collection: The Craft, The Witches, The Witches of Eastwick, The Witch of Blackbird Pond,  Eve's Bayou, or any season of the WB's "Charmed"?
  • Did you this year, or at any time in the last ten years, attend Burning Man?
  • Did you recently meet an elderly woman in a swamp?
  • If you answered yes to the above, did you cross her?
  • If you answered yes to the above, WHY? EVERYONE KNOWS SWAMP LADIES DO SCABIES HEXES.

And now you know.

I just can't with this bitch.

ElvisMemorabilia

Oh you make me chuckle.  There is not a single adjective to describe these people. But some ideal choices include "trendy" "bold" "choice" "spectacular" "exquisite" and "iconic." This is by no means an exhaustive list.  I assume you were writing a trend piece on the hottest tastemakers in interior design, if you come back , please leave a link to your piece in the comments.

Because he is probably better looking than your family.

leotoday

To ask if Leonardo DiCaprio is still throwing parties is to misunderstand the essence of him entirely. Leo doesn't throw parties, he IS a party.  To your first question, I have asked his personal assistant for today's itinerary and provided below.

9:00-10:30am: Wake up, brush teeth, peel Lukas Haas off the couch after another all-nighter.

10:30-12: Emoji text-war with Martin Scorsese. Marty, WHAT A CHARACTER, AM I RIGHT? (Ed Note: PA confirmed that Marty won the emoji text war)

12-3: Have sex with lingerie model of Slavic origin who was three years old when Titanic was released in theaters.

3:30-5pm: Visit the gravesite of Knut the German Polar Bear. 

5:30-midnight: Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock.

FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

homelessman

Resources for the Homeless Can be Found Here: http://www.nyc.gov/html/dhs/html/home/home.shtml

Bellevue Hospital Can be Found Here: https://maps.google.com/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF-8&q=bellevue+hospital&fb=1&gl=us&hq=bellevue+hospital&hnear=bellevue+hospital&cid=0,0,7467693700886689760&ei=VXcCUpCSB43trQe4zYEg&ved=0CK0BEPwS

True Fact: As a city hospital, Bellevue cannot refuse anyone, so people literally fly from all over the world to go there, so it doesn't matter where you Googled from, there is help for you in our fair city!

onerule

Being an angsty teenager is hard, I know. My advice to you is to  keep your head up, don't sext with anyone unsavory (and since you're in high school, that is almost everyone), and keep this angst to yourself until you find an appropriately sadsack venue. Examples include: Concerts by teen bands at the local Y, Hot Topic, and Benedict Cumberbatch fan fiction message boards.

And remember, angsty teens eventually turn into MIDDLE MANAGER SWANS so fret not, little one. #itgetsbetter

Ornery.

NOW!