First Time for Everything: Guy on Tinder Restores My Faith in Humanity

So I know what you're thinking, did Harry Styles join Tinder? Did someone on Tinder send Alana a series of never-before-seen-nudes of Leonardo DiCaprio from the photo shoot where he wore the swan around his neck? Did someone make her a portrait of Keith with the gun emoji? What could POSSIBLY  make a sour misandrist like Alana be delighted by someone on Tinder? As many of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with dating apps and sites. I've met some really great people with them but I also encounter casual misogyny and egregious forms male entitlement both in online interactions and on dates.  There is an entire genre on Tumblr devoted to these experiences. Many a book deal has its origins with a message from some human garbage on OKCupid. Dating online, and dating in general, can be very disheartening for women.

So when I reopened my Tinder app after months of radio silence, I expected the standard sampling of bad come-ons littered with the occasional "Hey." But lo an behold, I stumbled across this:

Why so sad, little friend?

 

 

 

Anyone with a half a soul knows that lovelorn stuffed animals are the single saddest creatures in the world with the single exception of owls who have lost their graduation caps.  But this sad little Christmas frog named John has hope! He is looking for love! For adventure! He may be 1'3" but golly, has he got a big heart. Naturally, I chose to swipe right. Good joke dating account are hard to do and this dude was KILLING IT.

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, look at him. HE GOES ON LITTLE ADVENTURES IN A SUITCASE WEARING A RED RIDING HOOD:

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HE ENJOYS FINE SPIRITS WITH SIMILARLY MOROSE LITTLE FRIENDS:

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HE WON A MOTHERFUCKING EMMY:

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We matched! A LOVE STORY WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

Like any gentleman, he made the first move: "Thank you for matching with me! Have a Toadully Hoppy Day!" he said.  As someone who loves a good pun, I was smitten by this little fellow.

I replied: "This made me smile in an otherwise dark Tinder world, toad"

John the Toad then broke character and revealed himself as John the man (though who can know his real name, its a fake stuffed toad Tinder account). He wrote: "I saw tinder thru a female friends setup. Scared the crap out of...waayy too many creepy dudes. Thought this was more fun and would bring smiles! Glad I could make you smile!"

And that was the end of our short love affair, dear friends. And it is at this point in this blog post that I make a grand statement about being a woman and relating to men who want to understand and be sympathetic to what its like for us out there on the Internet, in the world, and trying to demonstrate that we're not crazy when we are jaded about our treatment by men.

A lot of dudes will write lengthy manifestos about HOW THEY TOTALLY GET IT and be horrified on our behalf. A lot of dudes will appropriate misandry in a solidarity that seems disingenuous. Others will do experiments where they go online as a woman for a week and report back to us that YEAH, YOU GALZ WERE RIGHT. It's like, "Thanks, we didn't need a man's confirmation that we experience extremely degrading things online. We already knew, dick cheese."

This dude just made a simple, funny little Tinder account that was meant to make people laugh in the middle of an often demoralizing online dating experience. It wasn't littered with sympathy for our plight or excessive put downs of creeps, just a reference to an experience and a little way of addressing it with humor.

After I said it made me smile, he didn't try to turn the engagement into a date with the real person behind the account. He was making girls laugh not as a way of getting in with them but because he thought that they deserved a break from the onslaught of crap they often receive in the space. And while maybe he just didn't engage further cause he doesn't think I'm a babe, I will remind you that I go on dates REGULARLY with Leonardo DiCaprio and exude angelic light at all times:

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Miracles and Magic: My Week Under the Spiritual Protection of Keanu Reeves

It is a well-known fact that the greatest line in cinema history comes from a little flick called River's Edge starring a young Keanu Reeves where he yells at his mother's suitor, "You're just here to fuck my mom and eat her food!" and storms out of the house, hair tousled, leather jacket all aflutter.  I try to integrate it into my every day life as often as possible, which is difficult because I haven't lived in the same city as my mother in ten years and my parents have a solid marriage so saying it to my dad would be inaccurate and inappropriate.  In any case, Keanu Reeves has always played an important role in my life, even from a distance. Until last week, when at the corner of Rector and Trinity I feasted my eyes upon something very similar to this:

He was on a public bench and everything!

Naturally, I smiled at the teen heartthrob turned gazillionaire turned meme and HE SMILED AND NODDED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT back. It was clear to me that Keanu recognized that I am special sort of person worthy of his time and attention.  I immediately reacted like this:

KeanuUpdate

40 people were as excited about this development as I was.  I was unable to talk or speak without CAPS LOCK for several days. Little did I know that the week that would follow would result in all sorts of magical experiences.  A brief but incomplete run-down below.

1. KEANU'S SPIRIT COMPELS TEEN CRUSH TO ENGAGE WITH ME ON INTERNET, MARRIAGE IMMINENT

I wrote this article for xoJane and tweeted it at my teen crush Gideon Yago.  He then followed me and sent this tweet TO ME, which is going to be framed in my home and somehow tastefully integrated into the centerpieces at our wedding.    I mean, I have no idea if this dude is eating cereal in his pajamas at his mom's house these days but who CARES, he was a handsome dork on television during my teen years.  There is no greater thing to have been.

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2.  PORN STAR JAMES DEEN MAKES EXTENSIVE CREEPY EYE CONTACT, CLEARLY LOVES ME

I am not a consumer of mainstream porn (I much prefer DIY sites like YouPorn, the Etsy of the digital adult entertainment destinations) so I only found out who James Deen was by watching The Canyons.  These are the keywords for The Canyons on IMDB:

keywords

So obviously this was my kind of movie and James Deen DELIVERED in it.  His extended eye contact to me was a sign of attraction and/or intention to kill as he does in The Canyons. SPOILER ALERTS ARE FOR SUCKERS.

3. EVERYONE WANTS TO HIRE ME CAUSE KEANU INFUSED ME WITH CONFIDENCE AND SKILLS (NOT REALLY, BUT MORE THAN THEY USED TO)

After weeks of radio silence from employers, in the last week I have secured three interviews with prospective employers. This doesn't mean I have a new job but it means that I am doing something right in my aggressive self-promotion and regular portfolio updates.  This is how I look when I go to interview, Keanu-approved, of course:

You can tell I mean business cause I have a briefcase.

4. VINTAGE HATS ARRIVE IN MAIL FROM "Mom" (BUT SECRETLY KEANU), CAN NOW HAVE BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER

So my mother recently cleaned out my grandmother's house and found some rad vintage clothes and accessories.  Among them were several adorable hats...and then there was the fuzzy one that looked just like the one worn by Jay Kay of Jamiroquai in "Virtual Insanity."  Naturally, my Halloween costume is already complete and we're a  month out!  Thanks Keanu, for sending inspiration just when I needed it.

I can just really see myself making this work.

 

5.  WE CELEBRATED THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY CONCEPTION

So technically, this day is my mom's birthday which she inappropriately told both myself and my sister (we have the same birthday three years apart) was also our conception date.  I celebrated by dressing up as an egg and forcing a friend to dress as a sperm and chase me around the neighborhood till I was caught. WHAT FUN WE HAD!  Just kidding, I sent my mom a nice set of pictures of the family pets and my sister made these bomb-ass cookies for our chemistry-lovin' mama:

Nova makes the best presents.

 

I don't know what Keanu has in store for me next.  Romance? Travel? Book deals (for books I have not conceived of or written, naturally)?  The answers will reveal themselves in time. But looking back on this week where he acted as my spirit guide, I am reminded of one of his other great lines in cinema history, courtesy of Bill & Ted:

 

"WHOA."

Once a Deranged Fan Girl, ALWAYS a Deranged Fan Girl: A Gift from the Archives

A lot of people ask trendsetters and tastemakers like me, "Alana, what were you like growing up?" In four words: FUCKING FABULOUS, THAT'S WHAT. Some people have trouble believing me but I have been sent a gift from the past that reveals my true nature, my essence, my raison d'etre. (I know there is an accent over the "e" there but I'm too lazy to try it in WordPress. I'm not some peasant that can't speak French, okay?) My true nature and essence is that of a deranged fan girl from Hell.  And that, to me, is the greatest thing you can be.

My BFF OMG 4 LYFE, Chrissie, recently dug up the following treasures designed and delivered by Yours Truly in 1997/98. The headline "Wanted: The Following Women are wanted for stealing boyfriends from Alana and Chrissie." Truer words, baby Alana. TRUER WORDS.

Wanted1

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As you'll see from the title, these hot female celebrities were identified as CRIMINALS, wanted for the crime of STEALING BOYFRIENDS. And Since Hell hath no fury like a seventh grader scorned, I decided to get my Mean Girl on and take those sluts down.   For reference, me and Chrissie are the HOT BLONDES on either end of this adorable foursome of seventh graders (Hey, Mairead & Ashlee! Looking good!) so as you can see, we REALLY deserved celebritiy boyfriends.

Shorties, how'd you get so fly?

Now a lot of amazing things are happening here,  most notably the fact that we considered Hans Matheson (who played Marius in the Liam Neeson, non-musical version of Les Miserables...again with the French, I KNOW) on par with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg. Other amazing moments are listed below if your glasses aren't working.

On Neve Campbell:

"Warning: Dangerously ugly when mad or sad."

GIRL, YOU DIDN'T. Oh, I did.  My 12 year old ass just went ahead and WENT THERE. No holds barred, this was WAR.

On Sarah Michelle Gellar:

"Crime: Getting love scenes with hotties like Ryan Philippe and Angel from Buffy."

First, it's hard to believe that there was a time before Angel was a show all it's own and that there was a time when I didn't know that David Boreanz had a name. Also:

"Warning: Easy to get you off track because you can't help but stare at her dark roots. Danger Buffy With Bleach Beware."

One does not call a girl out on her bleach game unless she wants to start a FIGHT.  And I was ready for a fight.  PS- I love that she ended up with Freddie Prinze, Jr.  It means the late 90s will be alive forever.

On Winona Ryder:

"AN EXTREME THREAT TO US."

To be fair to my former self, this is still completely true. Home girls looks GOOD. I know cause I seen her.

Damn, girl.

On Claire Danes:

"Crime: Former girlfriend of Matt Damon, starred as GF of Jared Leto, Leo DiCaprio, Jude Law, and Hans Matheson."

If I had been a gossip columnist in the 90s, I would have written an angry article called "CLAIRE! SHARE!" cause she was hogging all the hot pieces back then. She still does. Girl has game,  I can respect that. However:

"Warning: If caught, she might use her awful cry to scare you away. RESIST!"

I only saw a few episodes of Homeland, is the crying still the same as it was back then?  Inquiring minds need answers.

On Gwyneth Paltrow:

Now I am really proud of myself for having the good sense to put her on the list FIRST. Even though she ended up married to someone in whom I have little to zero interest, I still recognize that Gwyneth Paltrow is a MENACE.

"Warning: Changes physical appearance often to avoid arrest by us."

Gwyneth, still up to your old tricks. Why look, here you changing your appearance into that of a sophisticated and likeable AUTHOR in the Hamptons just this weekend:

MINX ALERT.

One of my favorite comments ever written on the Internet was on a Jezebel post about her newsletter GOOP. It said something to the effect of "I just like to think of Winona Ryder sitting at home, smoking cigarettes, reading GOOP, and laughing and laughing." ME TOO, CURT COLE FROM JEZEBEL COMMENTS. ME TOO.

This has been 700+ words answering the age old question, do people ever really change? I'm just gonna leave this here:

Leomania is 4 eva.

US Patriotism, Feminism, and Fun as Told by One Direction's "Best Song Ever"

On my 25th birthday, I received a faxed memo from God that said, "Congratulations, you are now at an age where you can enjoy pop culture phenomena unironically. You no longer have to pretend you hate rom-coms, pop country, and boy bands. Welcome to complete brain development, girl. PS- Just buy the fucking Crocs, they are wicked comfortable. " Unfortunately, some killjoys don't check their mail and are denying themselves the pleasure of these joy-creating wonder boys.   Those people are the dead worst. As Phoebe said, " No one is going to take away your Cool Kid Card for having fun for five minutes."

Without further ado, here is "Best Song Ever" by One Direction.  You can skip the two-minute intro skit starring the boys as both THEMSELVES and a know-nothing gaggle of Hollywood producers, but I wouldn't recommend it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_v9MY_FMcw

So you'll notice that the first thing they do in the song is take the opening of The Who classic "Baba O'Riley" and dramatically improve upon it....DID YOU HEAR THAT? It was the sound of one million Cool Dads slamming their fists into the table, bemoaning the lack of taste and respect for classic rock n roll among the younger generations.

Just kidding, Cool Dads talk it out  with errant youth:

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So come on Cool Dads, we can talk this one out.  Thanks, Human Resources Administration for the reminder on how to handle things when shit gets heated with dads.

ONE DIRECTION LOVES AMERICA

Harry Styles Loves America

Well, if you watched the opening skit, you realize that they do exceptional American accents in their alter-ego characters which suggests both love and appreciation for the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Except for Liam, who also got a seriously low-budget and homophobic caricature.  Whatever,  Harry Styles as Marcel, the marketing whizkid makes up for anything bad that happened in that skit. Also, Lady Zayn:

zaynlady

The lady that they're all going wild over in this song is revealed to be named "Georgia Rose." Now it is a known fact that there are seven female names in England: Elizabeth, Victoria, Diana, Emma, Beatrice, Melanie, and somewhat inexplicably, Geri.  Any woman from England that claims another name is either a liar or a foreigner.  CHECK HER PAPERS.  For those curious, all men in England are named Alastair, Henry,  Charles, Benedict, William, George, and Idris.  You didn't know. But now you know.

Georgia Rose as a name is about American as it gets and they are SO into her. Also, her father is a DENTIST.  Major clue that this bitch ain't from Brittannia.  Yes, if you were wondering, I still think totally dated jokes about British dental hygiene are fair game. Deal.  Moving on.

ROYALTY LOVES ONE DIRECTION

Now, you can tell me all you want that its just a coincidence that the third name of the royal baby is Louis AND the tousle-haired angel of One Direction always wearing burgundy pants is also name Louis.  But if you look me in the eye and say that the first name, "George" is not a masculinization of the female character in Best Song Ever, me and you will HAVE. WORDS.  This observation was originally Phoebe's and she has, to my knowledge, never been wrong.  Here is the 1D namesake himself with his hot mom.

They wanted to name him "Harry Zayn Louis Niall Liam" but the royal are understated people.

PROGRESSIVE VIEWS ON FEMALE ATTRACTIVENESS AND CONSENT

Early One Direction had me worried a little in that their love connections were primarily with women with super low self-esteem.  In "What Makes You Beautiful," you'll recall that the thing that made the girl in question beautiful was JUST that she didn't know she was beautiful.  Nothing turns on a teenaged boy quite like knowing that a girl has a really low opinion of herself cause that means she will be easily coaxed into ill-advised threesomes and some flexibility-proving selfies.

"So like, do you have an eating disorder too? Cause that would take my attraction next level."

But "Best Song Ever" reveals that on their long tour bus rides, the lads have been reading up like crazy on how confidence and consent are the shit.

When asked "Can I take you home with me?" Georgia Rose replied "Never in your wildest dreams!"  And instead of being like, "Bitch I am in One Direction, there are 74 hymens waiting backstage for me to bust through!" They dance the night away with this lady who is comfortable taking things at her own pace.  This gives young women everywhere the a-okay to say "No" to male advances for which they are unprepared. 1D bleeds feminism.

Now, for FUN

Most of the other highlights from this video are visual.  So here are my favorites:

"And Niall for the shimmy!"

Harry Styles makes it run, Zayn warns folks not to try this at home.

Zayn checks out his own ass.

Louis, the older member but a total baby, cries about all this paper litter.

And finally, the most true things that anyone has ever muttered in a music video or about anything ever:

Truth Talking.