One of the fun, exciting ways I ward off the boredom that often comes with advanced age is by concocting elaborate and entirely hypothetical professional catastrophes. The latest is a paralyzing preoccupation that my second book will be a dud, a classic case of the"sophomore slump" that fails to live up to expectations and results in my exile from publishing, soon followed by cannibalism and other depravities. The best part of this ridiculous concern is that it is predicated on the idea that the first book (which doesn't publish for three more months and has no reviews except for blurbs and encouraging texts from friends!) is OF COURSE a wild success, a seminal text in the field, a fucking bomb-ass hit!
The second book's journey did not begin in this sorry state. Indeed, I announced the sale of Worth Less on the same day I took this photo, in the goddamn French Riviera at the Cannes Film Festival that a tech corporation (possibly mistaking me for a very lost and elderly cousin of the Hadid sisters) sent me to. THE HUBRIS!
My, howa summer changes things! Here I am in a candid snap from this week:
OK, so that's actually the old hex-happy witch from Drag Me To Hell but we are essentially one at this point.
I was already planning an exodus from New York because I wanted to write in more peace and space and surrounded by land and trees and among fewer pizza rats and the second book gave me the option of doing that. I fell in love with a farmhouse on 1.5 acres where the previous owner raised a child, wrote a book about Virginia Woolf, and made some type of local pie that I have yet to try so I set about making it mine. So I spent the summer occupied with crying spells over romantic notions of New York City, lots of vaguely humiliating paperwork, and occasional momentary rushes of pleasant hormones when I completed another step in the mortgage procurement process. Then on September 1, this house became something I own the same way you can own shoes, monocles, and reclining chairs except it is a dang HOUSE:
I got a decent amount of writing done in between decorating and settling into life between two cities. I've had lots of friends and visitors come up and work together and also fuck around and marvel at how pleasant life is when there are chipmunks and gazebos nearby. This week, I decided that with a December 1st deadline, I can hunker down and write the book for all of November and I would love to have other writers or creatives who are working on a project to come to stay in the guest suite for a week if they also want to hunker down, mutually supported in getting work done and drinking coffee and enjoying country life. It is in Saugerties, NY, two hours north of NYC in Ulster County and a $27 bus ride to get to. I am currently only looking for people who want to come in November and won't be bringing pets or kids. Its $250 for a full week and you get this two room suite with full bed, lovely views, WiFi, foldout futon, and channel-packed TV: :
It's only been two months and I've had MANY illustrious guests!
Famed cosmetics czar, Arabelle Sicardi, took a long weekend off from luring innocent Instagrammers to her chambers bearing gifts of chicken and unflinching loyalty to work on their book:
Former One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles was at his new job delivering milk on bicycle to the residence when he became enamored of its charms, willed himself shrunk to one dimension, and cast himself forever into the walls to serve as the lady of the house's companion and protector:
Enemy of parallel parking, maestro of malevolence, and champion of cats, Emily Warfield visited and described the home as "quiet, charming, and equpped with a feline concierge" and for New Yorkers seeking a getaway that is more "artsy Brooklynite vibe than Grandma's Barn." NEED I SAY MORE?
Noted Twitter prodigy and Jill Stein investigator Eve Peyser enjoyed several days soaking in the literary vibes and improvising scenes from as-yet-unmade-but-very-likely Harmony Korine films:
Morgan Jerkins, speaker of a dozen tongues and all-star resistor of Satan's many temptations, came up for a brief retreat and enjoyed her first Sonic Burger on the drive up. Jerkins described the house as "a nice little oasis to escape the hustle and bustle of the city." INDEED! We did not take selfies of the event but this gif is a close approximation of our ecstasy on the journey together:
The home features frequent visits from Handsome, Thoughtful House Boyfriend, Craig. He makes fires, eggs, and collects local edible flora for health:
Other features include a wood-burning stove for getting cozy as hell, a darling living room, dining room, GAZEBO OUT BACK, and 1.5 acres to frolic about on, cosplaying Thoreau but never finding a pond unless you trespass off my lot!
We just had the first snowfall of the season so it looks like this!
And it rendered me entirely ready to party! So what are you waiting for? Email me at email@example.com with the subject line "November Rental" and tell me about when you're hoping to come, what you're working on etc.