As many of you know, the world's handsomest man recently left the band One Direction. While packing for his trip, he tore straight into my chest cavity and took my still-beating heart with it. Thanks, Zayn. But last week, I had the unique honor and privilege (shared by 60,000 or so people) to see One Direction live in concert. It was magical. I was cleansed. Renewed. Revitalized. Enraptured. Captivated. And most importantly, I was open again to the idea of love. For what mortal can resist the allure of romance when they are in the presence of Harry Styles?
Since the show, Harry Styles has entered my brain space in the same rotation of men with whom I actually have romantic interactions. I'll be like "Oh yes, William the baker's son is indeed a smart match. But Anders has such a strong jaw and would teach the children to row. And Harry, well he's young, but he's wise." Plus there was a part of me that still ached for Zayn.
I would have to use SCIENCE to make my determination. So I did what any self-respecting 30 year old woman would do: I bought a face-fusing app to see what our offspring would look like and decided he who made the cutest baby should be my groom.
Zayn and I went to digital wedding chamber first.
Now, these children are not total babes. This is true. But they've got strong features and determined eyes and I'd be glad to call them my offspring. HOWEVER, they are clearly very sad young people. Who wouldn't be with the genetics of a grumpy Gus like Zayn and a Sour Sarah like me?
Harry was called to my quarters.
These babies are more babely in the sense that they look like actual babies, because me and Harry Styles also look like actual babies a little bit. It will bode well for us in our old age. I was obviously in luck with these moppets but wanted to try another photo to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Then there she was.
Behold, a golden child is upon us! Look at that kid, she's like a Jolie-Pitt but will get a sensible British name like Mary because Harry, shenanigans aside, is a traditionalist at heart. Look AGAIN!
"Baby you light up my world like nobody else," barely even begins to cover it. I have never felt more certain of my destiny.
And also, for any fans who are still shipping "Zarry": their baby would be Voldemort so like, proceed with caution.