The Millionaire Matchmaker Told Me I Can't Marry Zayn Malik and All I Got Were These Amazing Gifs of Myself

It has been two months since Patti Stanger came into my life and tried to crush my dreams. Until now, I was too busy chasing that paper and taking a lot of selfies with my cat to really reflect on her advice to me. Turns out, it was some ridiculous noise about how I need to stop being "unrealistic" about marrying a member of One Direction and straight-up lies like, "Finance guys are great. They have a future and finance guys make plans, because that’s what their job is." Yeah, they make plans to work themselves into early heart disease by working 90 hour weeks punctuated by cocaine binges wherein they blame Obama for their growing irrelevance instead of their crap job performance. Fortunately, I got some siiiiick gifs of our time together that I would like to share now:

Alana laughing at the idea that I would need to babysit the likes of Harry Styles and Zayn Malik, who are not just men but gods(dot gif):


Alana explaining how she dyed her hair (dot gif):


These gifs taught me a much more important lesson than Patti did:  I have a great laugh and my gesticulation is on point. Now that Zayn is free of One Direction, he can plural marry me and Perrie Edwards and we can defy all the naysayers and do each other's hair and use our money to go anywhere but the Strip House that Patti recommended.