I Have Become My Most Feared Childhood Enemy (Lord Kuruku, Duh)

For parents who preferred that all of their children's entertainment material was created by people tripping balls, Unico and the Island of Magic was a godsend. It was a cartoon about this vaguely messianic baby unicorn named Unico who was just as cute as a button. unico-63957

At some point, Unico encounters a stoner named Melvin the Magnificat who calls the little unicorn, "Peewee" and mocks him relentless for his small stature. Melvin listens to headphones that have little tiny bird singing in them, because he is deranged. Here he is, punching a baby unicorn in the face, like a psychopath:

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Now a bunch of weird shit happens with an enchanted boy flute-playing boy named Toby and his sister and several people that get turned into blocks. All of this weird shit happens because of one gnarly motherfucker named Lord Kuruku. He is an insane sorcerer who reigns terror from a floating bubble:

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Are you following so far?

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Okay, let's move on. When Lord Kuruku gets mad, things get really scary:

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And then things get weird when you find out that Lord Kuruku never had friends:

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I felt bad for Lord K. but didn't really relate to him because I was busy resembling other misfit cartoons that were inexplicably given to children:

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So imagine my surprise when I put on this seemingly innocuous hat this morning...

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And I was suddenly transformed into a spitting image of that wicked Lord Kuruku!!!!

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I cursed the gods, gnashed my teeth, and begged for answers from on high. How could I, the one who had so feared the Lord Kuruku, so easily become him?  And just then, an apparition appeared to me....

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Fucking useless as ever.