For those that don't remember, 2004 was a big year for voter turnout thanks in large part to a special interest group hiring a bunch of celebrities to serve as hired goons that would violently execute citizens ON SIGHT if they could not produce the "I Voted!" sticker by nightfall. It was the "Vote or Die!" campaign and boy did it get my 19-year old ass to that absentee ballot quick.
Even without the threat of execution, I do pretty much anything Mary J. Blige tells me to do, whether it is in songs or dreams, so this ad was fine by me. I asked around for footage from the shoot and was sent this exclusive shot of Paris Hilton rocking out to get in the voting spirit.
Many of you recall the bloodied streets the day that followed. It was all severed heads and the smell of iron as non-voters met their Maker. Fast forward ten years and it appears that the violent voter encouragement machine is back in action. But this time, they are being a little more subtle and a lot more terrifying. Check out the letter I just got in the mail:
First of all, you know they don't come in peace when they use a colon instead of a comma after your name in the greeting. Then come a series of thinly-veiled threats that THEY'RE WATCHING.
"Who you vote for is secret. But whether or not you vote is public record."
Translation: If we could read your ballots we would, the next best thing is knowing whether you showed up. And we'll know, oh we'll fucking know.
"Many organizations monitor turnout in your neighborhood and are disappointed by the inconsistent voting of many of your neighbors."
Translation: This "organization" is the monstrously well-funded Democratic Party of New York State and we devote time to making you feel bad about your neighborhood's turnout rather than nurturing candidates about whom they can actually get excited.
"We will be reviewing the Kings County official voting records after the upcoming election to determine whether you joined your neighbors who voted in 2014."
Translation: We are watching, bitch. We will have that record as soon as it's fucking available and your ass had better be in LOCK FUCKING STEP with your neighbors who voted because WE. ARE. WATCHING.
"If you do not vote this year, we will be interested to hear why not."
Translation: Know what else is public record, peasant? YOUR HOME ADDRESS. And it ain't hard to get inside those big pre-wars in Brooklyn without a fuckin' invitation. So I hope you like the sound of your own knee caps breaking if you don't plan to cast your ballot. THIS IS ABOUT DEMOCRACY.
Then they don't even sign off with like "LYLAS, The New York State Democratic Committee." That's the last word.
But I'd like to thank the committee for reminding me to vote, I really like that Howie Hawkins character than the Green Party is running and I almost forgot that the elections were coming up, you Tammany Hall thugs.