So like, if you're in a hurry as you read this, the real takeaway of this blog post is that if you know someone at the New York Times Style section, contact them about profiling me PRONTO because my career as an expert witness in the controversial intersection of felines and online dating is EN FUEGO, okay?
Last summer, I was a mere peasant, toiling away on the Internet in search of relevance and the validation of strangers that I need to keep my fragile, cold little heart beating. Then my characteristic misanthropy gave me a moment of hope and I decided to write this article about on xoJane how travel braggarts on OKCupid are super goddam annoying. Naturally, the commenters called me some sort of basic bitch for not being interested in dudes using skylines above police states and poverty-stricken children as props in their photos. Weird. However, I did mention the phenomenon of the man-with-sedated-tiger-picture and called out how like, it is not a best practice to give big cats heroin.
A few months later, I was hired by the illustrious Catster to share my thoughts on all things cats. I poured (or perhaps purrred) my heart into a listicle on dealing with CAT LOVER IMPOSTERS. Little did I know my life was about to change forever, thrusting me into the limelight and sending the public clamoring after me.
Within days, my tongue-in-cheek dismissal of gentleman callers that are interested in me but not my soulmate and spirit animal, Keith was taken outof context so that I appeared as an uptight and offended cat lady on HowAboutWe's The Date Report blog in a piece called, "The Internet Can't Decide If Dating Cat Guys is Acceptable." This was in no way embarrassing at all and sent scores of suitors to my door. I took a handful of lovers in the aftermath who shall receive honorable mentions in my forthcoming memoir.
Time passed. I bided my time, refusing to thrust my wisdom on the world like some uncouth social climber on Twitter. Patience, Alana. Patience. It paid off. In May of 2014, I was approached by a reporter at publication of note The Wall Street Journal about the phenomenon mentioned in my once-maligned article on travel dudes. The piece made EXCELLENT use of cat wordplay and featured my bitchy refusal to date dudes who pose in pictures with junkie tigers. People reached out on LinkedIn to congratulate me on my new found fame. My parents wept tears of job. I was a tastemaker.
Then today, I went from mere cultural commentator to BIG CAT PICTURE POLICY EXPERT. In an effort to demonstrate that all state-level politics is actually just expensive performance art, New York state legislators made moves to CRIMINALIZE taking photos with exotic cats in the state. The New York Post reached out for comment, knowing my reputation in the storied world of cats n romance:
“ 'Proving where it [the tiger posing photo] took place seems almost impossible to regulate, and some people might even do it as an act of defiance, like idiots who pose with drugs on public social networks,' ” said Brooklyn resident Alana Massey, a copywriter.
'I don’t think this is an especially thoughtful crowd that is buying into this industry'.
A spokesman for Cuomo said the bill was under review."
SEE THAT? I got the LITERAL LAST WORD on whether or not this bill is a good idea or not. (Spoiler Alert: ITS NOT! Spend money on healthcare and Pre-K and safe sex!) Naturally, I am now fielding offers from around the globe to speak on this hot topic.
The point of all this, dear readers, is that it is never too late to follow your dreams. To become a person of importance. Significance. Influence. Taste. This is just the beginning for me and I can't wait to keep you all (scratch) posted on this thrilling adventure.