So if you're on the Internet (which you are, and I'm sorry), you probably saw that a young woman named Karlesha Thurman has drawn considerable criticism for breastfeeding her baby at her college graduation and daring to post a photo of it. Below, I have offered some other graduates as examples of people to whom you ought to throw considerably more shade for fucking up this whole graduation thing because they are doing it either terribly wrong or just way too good and putting us all to shame. But first, the salacious photo in question:
It was posted to "Black Women Do Breastfeed" on Facebook. Th link is now unavailable to share, which I am afraid is because breast-phobic assholes got all in a huff that breasts were used for something besides hetero-male titillation and they bombarded it. I hope there's some not-shitty reason but anyway....Where some people were calling her a whore and exhibitionist and all manner of horrible shit, they forgot to notice the most important thing she is which is EXPERT MULTI-TASKER.
First of all, Thurman is graduating from college which is no small task. The fact that she did it with a kid is even more impressive. The fact that she made the enormous time and emotional commitment to breastfeeding with a course schedule is insane. AND THEN, AND THEN....she had the clarity of mind to match her baby's awesome little outfit to her watch. Graduate. Mom. Personal Nutritionist. Stylist. Also, she said of her daughter, "She was my motivation to keep going, so me receiving my BA was OUR moment." And so of course she'd want a photo with her kid, presumably one where the kid isn't cry. And you know when kids cry? When they're fucking hungry.
Okay, Internet. You got problems, I got solutions. Here are the graduates at whom you ought to be giving shit instead a young woman feeding her child. Up first: SHIA LABOEUF.
Shia, you didn't go to school at any goddam place. And if you had, you would have majored in Yelling at Your Girlfriends in Public and Minored in Spitting on Interior Floors. Because THOSE ARE TWO THINGS THAT YOU ARE WELL-DOCUMENTED AS DOING. TMZ has pictures of you screaming at Karolyn Pho and I have it on good authority that you were a shit to Carey Mulligan, who I am convinced is a relative of mine. And you SPIT ON THE FLOOR INSIDE A HOUSE AT A PARTY which should revoke all honorary awards in perpetuity. The only official documents you should be handed are restraining orders from all women ever. Also, shave or don't but you just look like you have dirt on your face like that. Which you probably do.
Next up, the ass that launched a thousand boners: Kyle Minogue.
Kylie, look, I love you. So does everyone else. I loved your rendition of "The Loco Motion," I love that your ass flies in the face of all knowledge we have of physics, and I love that you're on the official list of Australian Living Treasures.
But I don't know who the fuck you think you're kidding. Your ass is NOT sneaking onto the campus of Hogwart's to do some magic in that silly-ass graduation cap. Are you going to a Renassaince Fair afterward as well? Why didn't you invite me? Why don't you return my calls? Is it because I tried to use you as bait when I tried to conjure the ghost of your ex-boyfriend Michael Hutchence to sing me, "Need You Tonight?" WHY ARE YOU AT GRADUATION AND NOT HERE BEING MY FRIEND?
In the non-human category, we have these cartoon bees:
I don't know who bankrolls the Bee Lobby but they have some fucking amazing PR. Why do these sting-happy little monsters always get portrayed as loving and adorable in movies, getting to wear adorable cartoon eyeglasses and graduation caps like you're the cutest animal in grad gear. Who do you think you are, AN OWL? Sirs, I have seen an own in a graduation cap, and YOU SIRS, are not owls in graduation caps. Also, I hope you sting someone and die.
In the juvenile category, we have Sean Carter, better known to those of you who aren't close with him like I am as "Jay-Z":
Okay, there are actually 0 things wrong with this picture, I just wanted everyone to see what an adorable little goofy kid Jay-Z was. I can't tell from his smile if he is super-stoked on this graduation thing or if he's totally over it but damn, it is cute. He has billions of dollars now I'm pretty sure, which I rather like. Also, he knows Marina Abramovic which invalidates and flaws he is rumored to have.
In the "FUCK YOU AGEISM," category:
Did you know that Anne Bancroft was only SIX years older than Dustin Hoffman in this movie and she's supposed to be some Hot-Havisham-in-Heat old broad seducing a young thing? Please, I've eaten yogurt with 6 year old sell-by dates and no one made a classic sexy movie about it. Anne Bancroft, when reached for comment, was too busy being a bad bitch.
We can't go after movies and not television cause that's not fair. Sooo...
Oh, they just look like regular high school graduates in a TV show. But this episode marked the end of both Angel and that witchy Cordelia as series regulars on Buffy so that they could go onto star in that primetime abortion called Angel. It was the beginning of the end of Buffy...except not at all cause that show lasted another 27 years or something.
And finally, my dumbass and a huge number of other ungrateful graduates in America that are only thinking about ourselves at graduation.
In this photo, I am smelling the champagne that spilled all over my gown when the bottle broke in my backpack when I was on my way to graduation pre-gaming. And you know who said, "You know, this is really an important ceremony, you should reconsider getting shit-wrecked. It is inappropriate." No one. Everyone thinks it is funny and cute when people don't take their graduations seriously. Even though we spent 160K or so to get there, tons of American university graduates are selfish LOL-seeking bastards that have no concept of what a privilege and sacrifice it is for people without time or with major life obligations to complete their degrees.
Please note that there is also always the option of just not being mean or judgmental of anyone on the Internet.
Just kidding, that is never an option.