I've always known I didn't like Australia. The combination of savage racism (is there any other kind?) against Aboriginal populations and the arrogance to think you can be a country and a continent at the same time has always rubbed me counter clockwise. Then today, all of my inane and unfounded biases against the land down under were confirmed when I read the Daily Telegraph headline, "Have the One Direction Boys Lost Their Looks?" When asked for comment, Harry Styles replied:
You know why? Because saying people have lost their looks is really fucking mean. And in the case of One Direction, totally fucking inaccurate.
But it didn't stop there. The author, who fancies herself some kind of a visual pop history scholar it seems, dug her unforgiving journalistic nails into heartthrobs from days of yore.
"Backstreet Boys went from a bunch of hotties to unshaven dudes who would make people walk in the opposite direction in a dark alley at night," she writes, presumably with a sneer. The change wasn't them getting lazy and scary, it was merely the result of Backstreet Boys growing into strapping Backstreet Men. Nick Carter confronted the author in her home with a single request:
Because Australia doesn't have to follow the rules because it's a continent of criminal surfers? For a good laugh? Hasn't the Carter family been through enough?
She proceeds to go after Hanson who similarly had the audacity to grow up and cut their damn hair. AND THEN:
"And then there’s Boys II Men - who quite frankly just got old but kept their young fashion sense which in turn just made them look older." I thought maybe she was right and I got really upset that maybe Boyz II Men hadn't aged well but then feasted my eyes upon this:
To which I say, "What in the actual fuck is she even talking about?" I mean, now I'm upset because Boyz II Men are just another bunch of dudes to add to the list of famous stone foxes that aren't my lovers or Twitter friends but that's another experience entirely.
Fortunately, I'm saving my One Direction and Boyz II Men funds on things like concert tickets and pillow covers so I won't be making a trip to Australia to give this broad a piece of my mind. Cause if I did, there'd really be no telling how I might react.