If you are to learn one thing about me in your whole life, it is that I hate St. Patrick's Day. I hate all the green accoutrements that people wear to celebrate it. I hate that Dunkin Donuts made a vile mint Oreo donut for it. I hate that everyone blames a drop of Irish heritage for their binge drinking today. I hate that I can't find my collection of Leprechaun DVDs that I usually marathon indoors on this day to avoid the drunken revelry. Being so sour naturally inclined me to listen to The Smiths, headed of course by the world's crankiest but still remarkably handsome curmudgeon, Steven Patrick Morrissey. The only son of Irish immigrants, I like to think that they still get annoyed by his vegetarianism. That is, if they aren't dead yet. I didn't get that far on the Wikipedia page.
It turns out that The Smiths songs were basically all written to double as titles for Lifetime movies. Just like Dark Side of the Moon was written as a soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz and The Catcher in the Rye was secretly a fatwah for John Lennon. The following list has been forwarded to Morrissey and the head of programming at Lifetime but is shared here because I am a good soul. JK, as evidenced below.
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: The Jennifer Aniston Story, Genre: Rom-com
Aniston channels Howard Stern by starring in her own biopic about the ups and downs in her romantic life and her water-shilling career. Naturally, the first scene takes place on the set of the original Leprechaun. Brad Pitt is played by Benicio del Toro cause it seems like maybe he's broke now.
I Don't Owe You Anything: Imelda Marcos Addresses the Philippines, Genre: Art Film
"NO REGRETS, BITCHES!" the now geriatric but ever-fabulous widow shouts over and over again from a bathtub full of champagne and enemy blood while watching a full-length documentary on the suffering she and her deceased husband caused.
Girlfriend in a Coma: How Terri Schiavo Changed a Nation, Genre: Political Thriller
Told from the perspective of Schiavo herself (played by Blake Lively in a broke-ass wig) as her case becomes a national battle about euthanasia. Josh Brolin resumes his role as George W. Bush.
William, It Was Really Nothing: A Tell-All With Monica Lewinsky, Genre: Reality TV two-hour premiere special sponsored by Kohl's
Nearly two decades after their sordid Oval Office fling, Lewinsky is totally over the scandal that made her a household name. She is living fabulously but will her life be turned upside down by the succes of her hot new line of scented tablecloths flying off the shelves at Kohl's?
Back to the Old House: Wendi Deng's Life After Rupert, Genre: Family Drama
Wendi and the girls' lives go into a tailspin when a loophole in the pre-nup is discovered and they have to move in with Deng's parents. The movie is full of heart...and a few laughs too!
Shoplifters of the World Unite: The Downfall of Winona Ryder, Genre: Courtroom Drama
Winona Ryder plays herself since that girl DOES NOT AGE in this extremely short and not especially exciting drama about a totally run-of-the-mill shoplifting case.
Pretty Girls Make Graves: Jon Bonet Ramsey's Revenge, Genre: Horror
Because nothing goes together like dead little girls and horror flicks and because I wasn't sure that the Terri Schiavo one was sufficiently offensive, here's Jonny! like you've never seen her before.Ramsey will be played by retired Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug.