So Your Facebook Movie Sucked Too, Huh?

On my tenth birthday, I celebrated with a three layer cake covered in pink frosting and several bootleg mini-troll dolls dancing up the layers.  Before the cake cutting, my guests were invited to select a troll doll of their liking as a party favor and proceed to lick the frosting off their naked plastic bodies.  Though I have no photos of the cake in my possession, there is online documentation of my troll obsession. Behold, the troll jumper:

Who needs Etsy when you've got a mom?

Okay, so I actually think it was my ninth birthday that I had the troll cake but whatever.  The point is, I know how to throw a goddam birthday party way better than Facebook does.  To celebrate ten years of existence, they've released your "Facebook Movie" which is actually just a crap slideshow of screenshots from your Facebook career.  The first rule of retrospective slideshows is you have to set them to "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6.

There is no second rule of retrospective slideshows.

While there is some variation among these, I have seen two primary trajectories that Facebook Movies take among my peer group, both will make you feel TERRIBLE.

Trajectory 1: The Unmarried Young Professional

If you don't have the minute it takes to watch your movie, the most important takeaway is that you got OLDER.   Hopefully you tapered off on your binge-drinking too.

Your most-liked statuses are jokes you made at peak usage hours and have precious little to do with your accomplishments or relationships, which they've mercifully spared you of rehashing (or maybe that's just me cause I never interacted with romantic interests on the ole 'book).

75% of my most-like statuses were about celebrities (The Spice Girls, Tony Blair, Keanu Reeves, Kate Beckinsale & Claire Danes for those keeping track at home).    Thanks for reminding what a bang-up job I did of being poignant, Facebook.

If you went to NYU and haven't deleted your old photo albums, there is a strange phenomenon of EVERYONE looking kind of strung out.  I think we all had vitamin deficiencies or something.  Good thing so few of you are deranged enough to seek public office.

Who do you think you're kidding, Bobcat (Violet)? The NYU mascot situation was weird.

Trajectory 2:  Married With Children

First of all, congratulations on your marriage and the birth of your child(ren)! I am being completely sincere, those are major milestones in the lives of people who want them.  But my guess is that your Facebook movie is less about you than it is about them.

Any jokes you made that weren't about the half-adorable half-lunatic things your kid said simply did not make the cut. Your life before your family was completely obliterated because people are way more stoked that you got married than that you hiked the foothills of the Himalayas or got your dream job.   I semi-relate because the pictures they used for my preview were overwhelming of my fur kid since I don't have any skin kids yet:

An accurate assessment of my priorities, if I'm being honest.

I know that a vaguely magical algorithm trawler made this thing, but COME ON Facebook.  For how well you creep on my online shopping habits, you got a seriously budget robot to tell the story of the last ten years of my online social life.  The least you could have done is remind me of how "Poke"able I was in my early twenties or how many sheep I threw at my friends.

Warning: Professional sheep thrower.  Do not try in real life.