Another day, another plot line ripped directly from the hellscape that is my brain during REM sleep and plopped into the local news! BEHOLD: A BUNCH OF FUCKING SNAKES FOUND ALIVE IN A BAG IN BOERUM HILL. Now anyone with a lick of sense knows that there is only one instance in which snakes and bags go together:
But nooo, this was not a bag MADE of snakes, it was a bag FULL of snakes. You know, just the latest in a series of little gimmicks the stunt queens of the reptile world have thrown our way here in New York. The sadistic writer of the Gothamist article above was kind enough to link to a number of other incidents in which these legless motherfuckers make surprise appearances in the lives of innocent human beings and ruin their entire lives in so doing.
Fortunately for this fair city's residents, there is a resourceful hero living among them. That hero, of course, is me. You see, I was reading an article this morning in The Economist that mentions that animal testing of cosmetics is mandatory in China. I know you thought that the whole Sucking-the-Bile-Out-of-Bear-Stomachs-for-Junk-Science-Reasons was the worst that emerging superpower could go in terms of its animal treatment record but no, they gotta put lipstick on 'em BY LAW too.
However, the Chinese Food and Drug Administration has recently announced that they will begin lightening this restriction for certain cosmetics starting in June 2014. I would like to suggest that before they begin to phase out animal testing, that we send every snake in America to China to have cosmetics tested on their sinister non-asses. I propose to do for America what St. Patrick did for Ireland and look how well THAT country is doing? Lotion em up, give em some rouge, and shampoo the devil out of 'em all you want because they are serpenta non grata in these parts.
After their ordeal, they can be unceremoniously made into handbags or turned into jump ropes for forest foxes.
I don't care where they go really, I just want them gone. In the words of Susan Sarandon and Natalie Portman, ANYWHERE BUT HERE.