Why Won't Ralph Lauren Let America Be Great?

When you don't personally know a fashion designer(though I DO know most, don't get it twisted), it is hard to make informed judgments about their character.  Unless, of course, you know the near-foolproof method of judging them entirely based on whether or not they've received a positive name check by L'il Kim. The combination of the 2003 revelation on La Bella Mafia that her office is decorated in Ralph Lauren plus an evident devotion to the brand throughout the years, I thought it was safe to think that he was a patriot. Queen Bee strikes a pose in Ralph Lauren, then and now.

So you can imagine my  horror late last week when it was revealed that Ralph Lauren wants to humiliate this country by hiring a team of time-traveling grandmothers from 1988 to conceive of, design, and sew the uniforms for the athletes representing this great nation in the Winter Olympics in Sochi, that city that nobody's ever even fucking heard of until two weeks ago when we stopped calling the games, "That homophobic sports shitshow happening in Russia." Thanks, Ralph, for getting our minds tuned into the REAL issues again.

Oh stop pretending you're capable of dignity in this outfit.

From that hat they bootlegged from the dad in the "Night Before Christmas" poem to the sweater they jacked from the back of Roseanne's couch during Dan's Fourth of July barbecue  to those ill-fitting dingy white pants from the Trainspotting collection, it is clear that Ralph Lauren wants to ruin the morale of the team and sabotage their chances of taking home the gold.

A memo to athletes reviewed by The Wall Street Journal revealed, "The U.S. Department of State has advised that wearing conspicuous Team USA clothing in non-accredited areas may put your personal safety at greater risk." Yeah, at great risk of getting their asses kicked by some high-fashion Russian thugs that were so starved of consumer goods during the Cold War that they know WHAT IS UP in terms of fashion nowadays.  Behold, their uniforms:

On point.

Okay, so those aren't actually Russia's Olympic uniforms but doesn't Fashion Week in Russia seem like fun? I like that they don't even pretend they're not sending preteens down the runway.  You do you, Russia.  But for real, this is their uniform:

Well, zhdrasveetya to you , madame.

Putting aside the fact that she took her haircut inspiration from the brunette member of early 2000s faux-lesbian Russian pop duo, t.A.T.u., this chick looks fly as fuck in that get-up.   I don't OFTEN say the words, "I want that windbreaker," but for this, I make an exception.

It gets worse.

Why?!?!

First, Ralph, this is the Olympics, not the Internet.  You could have spelled out the word "Four" on those mittens.  Secondly, why are they making this athlete do the Macarena? Also, it's bad luck to wear a fake gold medal before you have a real one.  It's like wearing a ring on your engagement finger before you're engaged, it curses you.  YOU CURSED THEM, RALPH. I thought it was hard to mess up a classic peacoat but a superfluous red stripe and that logo on the collar went ahead and did.

I reached out for comment from Russia's most stylish It Girls on what they thought of the uniforms.  They had this to say:

Not. Impressed.