If you've ever been a young girl or known a young girl, you know that they have really big dreams. Like becoming pediatric oncologists and piloting the first (wo)manned spacecraft to Mars. My big dreams as a kid were to have lips that smelled like Dr. Pepper, a passive aggressive Best Friends necklace that showed others who my TRUE priority was, and pierced ears. Enter Claire's, stage fabulous. For the unaffiliated and the ultra-lame, Claire's does over a billion in revenue selling plastic jewelry, gummy candy, and items that totally underestimate the tastes and intelligence level of young girls.
This item proves what everyone knows already: That young girls have similar interests to house cats. They will chase a laser pointer around the house ALL DAY instead of doing their science homework and their eyes will go all wild for a diamond like that awful harpie kidnapper from The Rescuers. This mini-bureau will remind them every time they look in the mirror and think that they might like Russian literature or boys that are kind but not traditionally masculine, what their true nature is.
But worry not, my precious ones, Claire's is also shilling some of the must-have items of the new year. And by that, I of course mean One Direction merchandise. Below are my top picks but feel free to peruse on your own for that special someone (YOURSELF, DO IT FOR YOURSELF) in your life.
So if you are like me (a monster), you have probably read your fair share of One Direction Real Person Fan Fiction. Okay, I have actually only read like three of these fics and they were all just big make-out parties where the members of the group, who are all over 18 and European, were inexplicably enrolled in an American junior high school. Whatever, big make-out party, Coca Cola and Cheetos, Harry gave me the best smooches, obviously, etc. But the truth is, everyone wants to get in bed with One Direction and with this bedspread, you can technically say you sleep with One Direction on the reg. Just because they are one-dimensional and on a 60% Cotton/40% Polyester blend doesn't make it untrue.
My sister and I have the same birthday so it has always been a moral outrage for me to attend birthday parties where someone gets a present and I don't. In childhood, I grew too accustomed to birthdays being about a gift exchange rather than a gift-giving experience that I am ruined for life (for this and other reasons). That is why this One Direction best friends pillow is so ideal. Because you give it to your best friend and if she isn't some sort of degenerate, she will obviously give you the other half. In this instance, I took Zayn and Liam and Phoebe took Niall, Harry, and Louis. I like to think that when we go to sleep at night, both sides of the pillows crawl to our respective windows and sing, "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tail cause they miss each other so much but know they'll be together again some day.
I once had my iPhone stolen right from my hands by a wicked youngster on the R train. Then a gaggle of ne'er-do-well NYPD officers accused me of making up the story to get my phone's insurance money and they made me go to Coney Island to make the report. I suffered the humiliation of using an old Palm Pilot for 24 hours until I got funds for a new phone. I held onto hope that the criminal that took my phone would peek into the photos in search of something salacious and find cat photos, take pity on my sorry ass, and return the phone to me. It didn't happen. BUT, that doesn't mean that other criminals won't get all soft on you. If I were a common thief and I snatched a wallet then later realized it was a One Direction wallet, I would assume it belonged to someone under 14 and feel bad for the poor dear, return it immediately with a gift certificate to Baskin Robbins tucked inside cause kids LOVE ice cream. With this wallet, you not only get to know what it would be like to be woken from your blackout by your pals in 1D, you would also prevent theft and possibly end up with a cool cone.
So this bracelet was given to me by Phoebe because she is a gentle, good soul that knows how much I love jewelry that doesn't require clasps and other complicated tools that women don't understand. As you can see, I choose to wear it with a bracelet of a similar style featuring the Virgin Mary and the Christ Child. Because honestly, have you ever seen Zayn Malik and Jesus Christ, The Prince of Peace in the same room? That's right, I didn't think so. I recently wore this bracelet with my Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and receive numerous compliments (just one, for realsies, but STILL) on my eclectic taste and eye for music-related style. Get one for yourself and one for a friend.
Another gift from Phoebe was a delicate roll-on bottle of "Our Moment" the first and only fragrance by One Direction. Since you can't smell through the Internet and I don't know about bouquets and things, I took the following Before and After photos of myself. In the first, I am without the fragrance, being hella basic at home with nothing to do and no one to call. In the second, I have rolled on "Our Moment" and been magically transported to a carousel that grants wishes, brings raucous laughter, and makes me smile ear-to-ear because I have so many people to call and so much life to live. That's how good this fragrance is. It isn't sold at Claire's and is basically sold out everywhere so this was posted here mostly just to make you upset that you'll never ride a wish-granting carousel.
Like I said, I'm a monster.