Yesterday, a man tried to convince me that I must run, not walk, to the nearest device that permits the viewing of five-years-dead-HBO-shows and sit down for sixty episodes of one of the most intelligent and raw television viewing experiences I will likely ever have: The Wire. As if I have never been told that it's quite good. As if I don't have friends or the Internet. He is the unlucky straw that broke the camel's back, he is at least the tenth man to INSIST that I HAVE to watch the show. I get it, you guys. I seem mad smart with a certain edge to me. Social and political issues around American decline and urban corruption intrigue me at a less-than-superficial level. I like me some motherfucking books. I want to be a part of important conversations. I love NUANCE and ALLEGORIES. Really, I appreciate your votes of confidence. But for the last goddam time, stop trying to get me to watch The Wire. I don't want to watch The Wire. Below are ten perfectly acceptable reasons why, though I don't actually need any.
1. The YouTube clip you sent me of the show failed to entice me.
2. If I want to see Dominic West in action, I will watch his cameo in SpiceWorld.
3. If I want to see Idris Elba in action, I will watch the mindlessly entertainly Luther or that smutty movie with Beyonce and Ali Larter.
4. I actually don't care for Shakespeare much either, so that comparison is not a value-add.
5. I already know that cities, crime, people, and bureaucracies are mad complex.
6. It is not my fault if you can't explain a real-life situation without referencing The Wire. That is on you, not on me.
7. For spite, because someone shrieked "FUCK YOU!" totally unnecessarily when I said I would never watch it.
8. Because I don't want to.
9. Because you can't make me.
10. Because "My Cat From Hell" is on, OKAY?
*Drops the mic, lights cigarette, walks out.*