Last week, New York Magazine made one of their best editorial/artistic decisions to date and put Grumpy Cat on their cover. It was a bold, provocative image that I am certain made copies fly off the shelves and will one day be worth several hundred thousand dollars. My knowledge of this inevitability meant that I immediately drained my 401(K) and savings account to buy gold dresses and leather jackets (practical, classic pieces I assure you) at Loehmann's cause I know that my retirement fund is tucked away in my bedside drawer!
But the cover also got me thinking about the criminal underrepresentation of cats and other animals on mainstream magazine covers. Famous animals are blowing up in other media platforms and it is time for the print editors to take note. For the list below, good ladies and sirs, you are welcome.
Choupette Lagerfeld on Vogue
This is the point in this blog post where you all let out a collective "Duh." The unparalleled sophistication, style, and elegance of Choupette Lagerfeld deserves to be on the cover of Vogue far more than many of her totally low-budget predecessors. The feline companion of an amphibious vampire, Choupette knows fashion and ferocity like no other. Hold my calls, I'm getting Anna on the line and I'm not getting off until I see justice done.
Keyboard Cat on Rolling Stone
Over the last decade Rolling Stone has clamored for relevance and until recently, had fallen off my radar entirely until they put a handsome young psycho killer on the cover. It's time for Rolling Stone's cover to once again be home to cutting edge musicians and sex symbols. Also, might I ask how on God's green Earth someone was convinced to use what I am convinced is the only boner-killing photograph of Jon Hamm for this particular cover?
Oscar the Bionic Cat on Scientific American
In the future, when all of us are vaguely or perhaps entirely bionic, we will look back at the pioneering young Oscar whose bionic legs tap-tap-tapped their way into our hearts a few years back as like, the prototype for our future dystopian condition. Not only is Oscar a scientific miracle, he is also a camera-ready cover boy. Also, my mom is a subscriber and it would just make her damn day to see a feature on this guy.
My Keith on The New Yorker
Iconic magazines deserve iconic cover art. The New Yorker is no stranger to featuring cats on their covers (cause they know what's up) but it is unclear based on my rigorous research whether a specific cat has ever been featured. My little legend-in-the-making in an elegant portrait-style cover would give their erudite readers just the stuff they're looking for. Bold. Class. Genius. Keith.
Glitzy the Pig on Glamour
For those that don't know me personally, it may come as a surprise that Alana of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo/Toddlers & Tiaras fame is my spirit animal. Mostly because it is very uncommon to share a first name with one's spirit animal and also because I should frown on the beauty pageant industry and irresponsible pet ownership as a noted feminist and animal liberator. In the first season of the show, Glitzy came into our hearts and set up shop for good with his good looks and better attitude. He was fun and stylish but relatable, much like most of Glamour's content. Though he ultimately left the show for what I'm sure were better things, I think it is high time for him to return to the spotlight in a sexy, smily cover shoot.
Now, obviously magazines can't do this for every cover but they would be wise to add such creatures to their roster of features. I think New York really saw success with this one as their most recent cover is Joaquin Phoenix, who, if you've seen I'm Not There, has some fairly animalistic tendencies. Also, there was that time he pretended to drown in a PETA PSA to show the plight of fish.
So there's that.