Miracles and Magic: My Week Under the Spiritual Protection of Keanu Reeves

It is a well-known fact that the greatest line in cinema history comes from a little flick called River's Edge starring a young Keanu Reeves where he yells at his mother's suitor, "You're just here to fuck my mom and eat her food!" and storms out of the house, hair tousled, leather jacket all aflutter.  I try to integrate it into my every day life as often as possible, which is difficult because I haven't lived in the same city as my mother in ten years and my parents have a solid marriage so saying it to my dad would be inaccurate and inappropriate.  In any case, Keanu Reeves has always played an important role in my life, even from a distance. Until last week, when at the corner of Rector and Trinity I feasted my eyes upon something very similar to this:

He was on a public bench and everything!

Naturally, I smiled at the teen heartthrob turned gazillionaire turned meme and HE SMILED AND NODDED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT back. It was clear to me that Keanu recognized that I am special sort of person worthy of his time and attention.  I immediately reacted like this:

KeanuUpdate

40 people were as excited about this development as I was.  I was unable to talk or speak without CAPS LOCK for several days. Little did I know that the week that would follow would result in all sorts of magical experiences.  A brief but incomplete run-down below.

1. KEANU'S SPIRIT COMPELS TEEN CRUSH TO ENGAGE WITH ME ON INTERNET, MARRIAGE IMMINENT

I wrote this article for xoJane and tweeted it at my teen crush Gideon Yago.  He then followed me and sent this tweet TO ME, which is going to be framed in my home and somehow tastefully integrated into the centerpieces at our wedding.    I mean, I have no idea if this dude is eating cereal in his pajamas at his mom's house these days but who CARES, he was a handsome dork on television during my teen years.  There is no greater thing to have been.

photo

2.  PORN STAR JAMES DEEN MAKES EXTENSIVE CREEPY EYE CONTACT, CLEARLY LOVES ME

I am not a consumer of mainstream porn (I much prefer DIY sites like YouPorn, the Etsy of the digital adult entertainment destinations) so I only found out who James Deen was by watching The Canyons.  These are the keywords for The Canyons on IMDB:

keywords

So obviously this was my kind of movie and James Deen DELIVERED in it.  His extended eye contact to me was a sign of attraction and/or intention to kill as he does in The Canyons. SPOILER ALERTS ARE FOR SUCKERS.

3. EVERYONE WANTS TO HIRE ME CAUSE KEANU INFUSED ME WITH CONFIDENCE AND SKILLS (NOT REALLY, BUT MORE THAN THEY USED TO)

After weeks of radio silence from employers, in the last week I have secured three interviews with prospective employers. This doesn't mean I have a new job but it means that I am doing something right in my aggressive self-promotion and regular portfolio updates.  This is how I look when I go to interview, Keanu-approved, of course:

You can tell I mean business cause I have a briefcase.

4. VINTAGE HATS ARRIVE IN MAIL FROM "Mom" (BUT SECRETLY KEANU), CAN NOW HAVE BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER

So my mother recently cleaned out my grandmother's house and found some rad vintage clothes and accessories.  Among them were several adorable hats...and then there was the fuzzy one that looked just like the one worn by Jay Kay of Jamiroquai in "Virtual Insanity."  Naturally, my Halloween costume is already complete and we're a  month out!  Thanks Keanu, for sending inspiration just when I needed it.

I can just really see myself making this work.

 

5.  WE CELEBRATED THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY CONCEPTION

So technically, this day is my mom's birthday which she inappropriately told both myself and my sister (we have the same birthday three years apart) was also our conception date.  I celebrated by dressing up as an egg and forcing a friend to dress as a sperm and chase me around the neighborhood till I was caught. WHAT FUN WE HAD!  Just kidding, I sent my mom a nice set of pictures of the family pets and my sister made these bomb-ass cookies for our chemistry-lovin' mama:

Nova makes the best presents.

 

I don't know what Keanu has in store for me next.  Romance? Travel? Book deals (for books I have not conceived of or written, naturally)?  The answers will reveal themselves in time. But looking back on this week where he acted as my spirit guide, I am reminded of one of his other great lines in cinema history, courtesy of Bill & Ted:

 

"WHOA."