A lot of people ask trendsetters and tastemakers like me, "Alana, what were you like growing up?" In four words: FUCKING FABULOUS, THAT'S WHAT. Some people have trouble believing me but I have been sent a gift from the past that reveals my true nature, my essence, my raison d'etre. (I know there is an accent over the "e" there but I'm too lazy to try it in WordPress. I'm not some peasant that can't speak French, okay?) My true nature and essence is that of a deranged fan girl from Hell. And that, to me, is the greatest thing you can be.
My BFF OMG 4 LYFE, Chrissie, recently dug up the following treasures designed and delivered by Yours Truly in 1997/98. The headline "Wanted: The Following Women are wanted for stealing boyfriends from Alana and Chrissie." Truer words, baby Alana. TRUER WORDS.
As you'll see from the title, these hot female celebrities were identified as CRIMINALS, wanted for the crime of STEALING BOYFRIENDS. And Since Hell hath no fury like a seventh grader scorned, I decided to get my Mean Girl on and take those sluts down. For reference, me and Chrissie are the HOT BLONDES on either end of this adorable foursome of seventh graders (Hey, Mairead & Ashlee! Looking good!) so as you can see, we REALLY deserved celebritiy boyfriends.
Now a lot of amazing things are happening here, most notably the fact that we considered Hans Matheson (who played Marius in the Liam Neeson, non-musical version of Les Miserables...again with the French, I KNOW) on par with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg. Other amazing moments are listed below if your glasses aren't working.
On Neve Campbell:
"Warning: Dangerously ugly when mad or sad."
GIRL, YOU DIDN'T. Oh, I did. My 12 year old ass just went ahead and WENT THERE. No holds barred, this was WAR.
On Sarah Michelle Gellar:
"Crime: Getting love scenes with hotties like Ryan Philippe and Angel from Buffy."
First, it's hard to believe that there was a time before Angel was a show all it's own and that there was a time when I didn't know that David Boreanz had a name. Also:
"Warning: Easy to get you off track because you can't help but stare at her dark roots. Danger Buffy With Bleach Beware."
One does not call a girl out on her bleach game unless she wants to start a FIGHT. And I was ready for a fight. PS- I love that she ended up with Freddie Prinze, Jr. It means the late 90s will be alive forever.
On Winona Ryder:
"AN EXTREME THREAT TO US."
To be fair to my former self, this is still completely true. Home girls looks GOOD. I know cause I seen her.
On Claire Danes:
"Crime: Former girlfriend of Matt Damon, starred as GF of Jared Leto, Leo DiCaprio, Jude Law, and Hans Matheson."
If I had been a gossip columnist in the 90s, I would have written an angry article called "CLAIRE! SHARE!" cause she was hogging all the hot pieces back then. She still does. Girl has game, I can respect that. However:
"Warning: If caught, she might use her awful cry to scare you away. RESIST!"
I only saw a few episodes of Homeland, is the crying still the same as it was back then? Inquiring minds need answers.
On Gwyneth Paltrow:
Now I am really proud of myself for having the good sense to put her on the list FIRST. Even though she ended up married to someone in whom I have little to zero interest, I still recognize that Gwyneth Paltrow is a MENACE.
"Warning: Changes physical appearance often to avoid arrest by us."
Gwyneth, still up to your old tricks. Why look, here you changing your appearance into that of a sophisticated and likeable AUTHOR in the Hamptons just this weekend:
One of my favorite comments ever written on the Internet was on a Jezebel post about her newsletter GOOP. It said something to the effect of "I just like to think of Winona Ryder sitting at home, smoking cigarettes, reading GOOP, and laughing and laughing." ME TOO, CURT COLE FROM JEZEBEL COMMENTS. ME TOO.
This has been 700+ words answering the age old question, do people ever really change? I'm just gonna leave this here: