So You Found My Blog on Google: Here are the Answers You Were Looking For

As something of a great American success story (28, female, lives alone, one cat, middle manager, KILLIN IT), I feel a duty to help others who are in search of answers. One way that people find answers is by asking search engines like Google.  These searches are easily the most embarrassing thing anyone will find about me when I die.  I've asked Google about whether my cat will eat me if I die and no one finds me, about all manner of vile illnesses that I'm convinced I have, and in one especially shameful episode, the age of consent in the UK. One of the fun things about having a blog is seeing what people Googled to end up on your blog...or so I thought.  Some SEO science magic has brought some of the coolest and some of the scariest people of the world to my blog.  They didn't find their answers here, so I am providing them now.

hex

To get right to it, sir or madam, the answer is a resounding "YES." I'm sorry.   Chances are, you asked Google this because someone already hexed you with scabies and you are just checking to be sure.  Scabies, being an epidermal illness, is easy to hex someone with because unlike viruses or bacterial infections, the hex does not require you to know the person's blood type or ethnic heritage. I don't make up the rules about hexes, I just report them.

If you answer "Yes" to any of the following, you too might be at risk of a scabies hex.

  • Did a recent love-interest-gone-sour have any or all of the following DVDS in their collection: The Craft, The Witches, The Witches of Eastwick, The Witch of Blackbird Pond,  Eve's Bayou, or any season of the WB's "Charmed"?
  • Did you this year, or at any time in the last ten years, attend Burning Man?
  • Did you recently meet an elderly woman in a swamp?
  • If you answered yes to the above, did you cross her?
  • If you answered yes to the above, WHY? EVERYONE KNOWS SWAMP LADIES DO SCABIES HEXES.

And now you know.

I just can't with this bitch.

ElvisMemorabilia

Oh you make me chuckle.  There is not a single adjective to describe these people. But some ideal choices include "trendy" "bold" "choice" "spectacular" "exquisite" and "iconic." This is by no means an exhaustive list.  I assume you were writing a trend piece on the hottest tastemakers in interior design, if you come back , please leave a link to your piece in the comments.

Because he is probably better looking than your family.

leotoday

To ask if Leonardo DiCaprio is still throwing parties is to misunderstand the essence of him entirely. Leo doesn't throw parties, he IS a party.  To your first question, I have asked his personal assistant for today's itinerary and provided below.

9:00-10:30am: Wake up, brush teeth, peel Lukas Haas off the couch after another all-nighter.

10:30-12: Emoji text-war with Martin Scorsese. Marty, WHAT A CHARACTER, AM I RIGHT? (Ed Note: PA confirmed that Marty won the emoji text war)

12-3: Have sex with lingerie model of Slavic origin who was three years old when Titanic was released in theaters.

3:30-5pm: Visit the gravesite of Knut the German Polar Bear. 

5:30-midnight: Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock. Pop. Lock.

FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

homelessman

Resources for the Homeless Can be Found Here: http://www.nyc.gov/html/dhs/html/home/home.shtml

Bellevue Hospital Can be Found Here: https://maps.google.com/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF-8&q=bellevue+hospital&fb=1&gl=us&hq=bellevue+hospital&hnear=bellevue+hospital&cid=0,0,7467693700886689760&ei=VXcCUpCSB43trQe4zYEg&ved=0CK0BEPwS

True Fact: As a city hospital, Bellevue cannot refuse anyone, so people literally fly from all over the world to go there, so it doesn't matter where you Googled from, there is help for you in our fair city!

onerule

Being an angsty teenager is hard, I know. My advice to you is to  keep your head up, don't sext with anyone unsavory (and since you're in high school, that is almost everyone), and keep this angst to yourself until you find an appropriately sadsack venue. Examples include: Concerts by teen bands at the local Y, Hot Topic, and Benedict Cumberbatch fan fiction message boards.

And remember, angsty teens eventually turn into MIDDLE MANAGER SWANS so fret not, little one. #itgetsbetter

Ornery.

NOW!