US Patriotism, Feminism, and Fun as Told by One Direction's "Best Song Ever"

On my 25th birthday, I received a faxed memo from God that said, "Congratulations, you are now at an age where you can enjoy pop culture phenomena unironically. You no longer have to pretend you hate rom-coms, pop country, and boy bands. Welcome to complete brain development, girl. PS- Just buy the fucking Crocs, they are wicked comfortable. " Unfortunately, some killjoys don't check their mail and are denying themselves the pleasure of these joy-creating wonder boys.   Those people are the dead worst. As Phoebe said, " No one is going to take away your Cool Kid Card for having fun for five minutes."

Without further ado, here is "Best Song Ever" by One Direction.  You can skip the two-minute intro skit starring the boys as both THEMSELVES and a know-nothing gaggle of Hollywood producers, but I wouldn't recommend it.

So you'll notice that the first thing they do in the song is take the opening of The Who classic "Baba O'Riley" and dramatically improve upon it....DID YOU HEAR THAT? It was the sound of one million Cool Dads slamming their fists into the table, bemoaning the lack of taste and respect for classic rock n roll among the younger generations.

Just kidding, Cool Dads talk it out  with errant youth:


So come on Cool Dads, we can talk this one out.  Thanks, Human Resources Administration for the reminder on how to handle things when shit gets heated with dads.


Harry Styles Loves America

Well, if you watched the opening skit, you realize that they do exceptional American accents in their alter-ego characters which suggests both love and appreciation for the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Except for Liam, who also got a seriously low-budget and homophobic caricature.  Whatever,  Harry Styles as Marcel, the marketing whizkid makes up for anything bad that happened in that skit. Also, Lady Zayn:


The lady that they're all going wild over in this song is revealed to be named "Georgia Rose." Now it is a known fact that there are seven female names in England: Elizabeth, Victoria, Diana, Emma, Beatrice, Melanie, and somewhat inexplicably, Geri.  Any woman from England that claims another name is either a liar or a foreigner.  CHECK HER PAPERS.  For those curious, all men in England are named Alastair, Henry,  Charles, Benedict, William, George, and Idris.  You didn't know. But now you know.

Georgia Rose as a name is about American as it gets and they are SO into her. Also, her father is a DENTIST.  Major clue that this bitch ain't from Brittannia.  Yes, if you were wondering, I still think totally dated jokes about British dental hygiene are fair game. Deal.  Moving on.


Now, you can tell me all you want that its just a coincidence that the third name of the royal baby is Louis AND the tousle-haired angel of One Direction always wearing burgundy pants is also name Louis.  But if you look me in the eye and say that the first name, "George" is not a masculinization of the female character in Best Song Ever, me and you will HAVE. WORDS.  This observation was originally Phoebe's and she has, to my knowledge, never been wrong.  Here is the 1D namesake himself with his hot mom.

They wanted to name him "Harry Zayn Louis Niall Liam" but the royal are understated people.


Early One Direction had me worried a little in that their love connections were primarily with women with super low self-esteem.  In "What Makes You Beautiful," you'll recall that the thing that made the girl in question beautiful was JUST that she didn't know she was beautiful.  Nothing turns on a teenaged boy quite like knowing that a girl has a really low opinion of herself cause that means she will be easily coaxed into ill-advised threesomes and some flexibility-proving selfies.

"So like, do you have an eating disorder too? Cause that would take my attraction next level."

But "Best Song Ever" reveals that on their long tour bus rides, the lads have been reading up like crazy on how confidence and consent are the shit.

When asked "Can I take you home with me?" Georgia Rose replied "Never in your wildest dreams!"  And instead of being like, "Bitch I am in One Direction, there are 74 hymens waiting backstage for me to bust through!" They dance the night away with this lady who is comfortable taking things at her own pace.  This gives young women everywhere the a-okay to say "No" to male advances for which they are unprepared. 1D bleeds feminism.

Now, for FUN

Most of the other highlights from this video are visual.  So here are my favorites:

"And Niall for the shimmy!"

Harry Styles makes it run, Zayn warns folks not to try this at home.

Zayn checks out his own ass.

Louis, the older member but a total baby, cries about all this paper litter.

And finally, the most true things that anyone has ever muttered in a music video or about anything ever:

Truth Talking.