When my mom turned 40, her sister gave her a shirt that said "Wine, cheese, and me! All delicious and improving with age!" Oh what a chuckle we had! She wore it to bed all the time and I am fairly certain she still has it 19 years later. I know, I know, you never reveal the age of a LADY but to the best of my knowledge, Mom is unaware that this blog exists. THANK GOD. On the subject of aging well (and poorly), It is no secret that I have inappropriate celebrity crushes but I am not sure if I have made it public that several of these are coming up on decades old. Today, we take a look at my rock n roll crushes of yesteryear that I just can't shake despite every good reason to drop them for fresher faces and hotter tunes. Come, let's take a journey to the 1990s.
Now, Billy Corgan is a weird crush to have to begin with. He's an ornery fuck with a whiny voice and he once wore silver pants for the better part of two years. But in recent years he's simply gone off the rails. Becoming an evangelical Christian, briefly dating Jessica Simpson and starring in this bizarre wrestling/furniture commercial. And yet, if given the opportunity to be wined (or whined, heh) and dined, by Mr. Corgan. I would totally take it. I would let him chase me around a wrestling pen or whatever that thing is in that commercial. I'd host a Bible study. Desperate measures would be taken for this one. Unthinkable.
Trent Reznor is 43% responsible for my sexual awakening and I don't even know who is responsible for the other 57%. He's short like me so we could have had short, cranky babies with sadomasochistic tendencies. What's not to love about that future? But Trent Reznor sold his neck to the Devil in order to win an Academy Award and married a really hot babe that has a band I guess. (Congratulations, Trent!) I would be okay with all of this had he not named his baby LAZARUS ECHO. You are the one-time idol of Goth teenagers but you weren't supposed to take your baby-naming cues from them. Lazarus Echo is the combination of a Biblical zombie and what I can only assume is the next Kardashian fragrance I'll find at Walgreens. Get it together, Reznor, you're legitimate now! All that said, if homeboy even HUMMED a few chords of "Closer" in a one-mile radius of me, I would be on it like that monkey on a cross in the video.
I had a crush on Noel Gallagher instead of the traditional choice of Liam Gallagher because I always had low self-esteem and even in my celebrity crushes, would act sensibly and go for the less-hot brother that I thought would be easier to snag. I am nothing if not practical. He also wrote "Wonderwall" so he wins the 90s in a landslide. It looks like I made the right choice as Liam Gallagher, at present, has blood composed of 65% cocaine particles and gives interviews likes this. Noel seems to have slunk away into a quiet-ish life of aging atop a heap of money, which I would be totally down with. I'm still pissed that he sold Supernova Heights, the Graceland of Cool Brittania, because I bet that place was just gauche as fuck.
I tried and failed to find a bad photograph of Damon Albarn to show that these crushes are wildly inappropriate. Such bad photographs of Albarn do not exist. His vegetarian diet and vanity seem to be making it possible for him to stay hot as ever. Crush: acceptable. I forgive him for constantly talking shit about my country and insisting on making all of his side projects infused with Moroccan beats. I do not forgive him for naming his child after Missy Elliott or for breaking up with Justince Frischmann. It was just a crippling heroin addiction that likely made your life a waking nightmare, Damon! Get over it! Or get over here, you pompous twat.