If I Could Be Anything, I Would Be a Hot Russian Girl

Russian girls, they're the hottest, right?  With a name like Alana and a big round face like mine, it makes sense that I am frequently mistaken for one.  But alas, I am nothing of the sort.  HOWEVER, it never stopped me from lying about it to strangers in bars during the nightmarish hellscape that was my early twenties errrr, college. If a wish-granting sorcerer came up to me tomorrow and asked what I wanted to be besides a middling non-profit professional with a blog, I would say a hot Russian girl.   Below, my inspirations. t.A.T.u.


These Russian pop tarts  took the American charts (and hearts!) by storm in 2003 and I was all about it. Why? Because every high school senior girl knows that if she wants a boy to pay attention to her, the quickest and easiest way to make that happen is to make out with her best female friend.  A stage in which you pretend to be a lesbian with your BFF is a rite of passage from adolescence into solid teenager-hood, like doing Whip-Its or getting wrecked exclusively on Mike's Hard Lemonade.  t.A.T.u. made a bazillion rubels doing what we were all just doing to earn the attention of a boy who may or may not have been wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. No regrets.

Nadezhda Tolokonnikova


Two of my defining features are cowardice and fear of discomfort.  So it's no surprise that I aspire to not only the babedom but also the courage of conviction possessed by the hottest member of Pussy Riot, Nadezhda Tolokonikova.  A fan of syllables and justice, she is in Russian prison right now which, if you've seen Inside Russia's Toughest Prisons, is no walk in the park.  She defies the oligarchy, corruption, and general asshattery that is the Russian political system and does so lookin' nice.  Git it, girl.

Diana, a student (and Putin drone)


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On the opposite side of the political spectrum is Diana. Diane loves her some Vladimir Putin, despite his suppression of dissent and tendency to hunt topless.   This ad campaign for Putin's last presidential run was a homerun, with my heart serving as homeplate!  I trust Diana because she has an iPhone, a smart fitted blazer, and a great rack.  She is nothing if not forgiving (of heinous crimes against democracy and maybe humanity?) and for that I give her props.  Also, that afternoon cocktail party on the banks of what I assume to be the Moskva River looks just divine!

Mila Kunis


I'll just leave this here.

Anastasia Kidniz

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Last but certainly not least is Anastasia Kidniz, the originator of my fascination with all things Russian and a Russian babe that I know IRL!  One of my favorite pastimes is telling strangers that we are sisters and then she says real things in Russian and I say Slavic-style gibberish back to her. It's a riot! She loves animals,  the nobleness of the law, and her dog Pepper who might actually be an alien.  Without Anastasia, I would never have developed this crippling desire for a different, sexier ethnic background.  Big furry hats off to you, friend.