Sneaky & Excellent Reasons to Give Your Pets People Names

Besides the simple beauty of the snow falling outside the windows in my office in the Financial District, nothing delights me more about this day than the fact that I now have "rabbit eating gelato" in my Google search at work. Turns out, no one on the Internet has documented this phenomenon yet. Internet, you're on notice. As you know, I have a cat named Keith.  People delight in this fact regularly.  KEITH? They exclaim with joyful incredulity.  But that's a name for a person! Exactly! I tell them. Naming your pets after people has many benefits, most of them related to producing clever excuses for bad behavior. Here are a few situations where you might benefit from having a pet with a human name.

1. Your Embarrassing Netflix Queue


Look, we've all watched This Means War starring Reese Witherspoon and Tom Hardy at 2am on a weekend night, weeping into a pillow about our endless string of unsuccessful OKCupid dates and our closing window of peak fertility. And if you're a philanthropist like me, you've shared your Netflix password with pals on a budget.  So what happens when they see your creepy Alan Rickman marathon or that time you ironically watched all of the seasons of Dawson's Creek all the way through? "Oh, my buddy Dave has a thing for Katie Holmes!" Dave is a hamster. But if you play it cool,  your cubicle mate is none the wiser. Watch away!

2. Bad First Dates


When you're a happening single like me, you find yourself on a decent number of first dates.  But what if they are the absolute dead worst dummy that you ever met? Attempting to leave early is a tricky skill and some doofuses still don't take the hint and will be all up in your text game the next day.  And since you're not some kind of sociopath, you don't want to make something up and be a liar. Enter your-jealous-pet-that-you-pretend-is-your-spouse.  "I better get home, Maurice will get suspicious if I get home too late," is a great exit line that implies "Whoops, forgot to tell you about my possibly unhinged significant other! Laterz."  And since I live in constant fear that when I leave Keith alone, he thinks that I am never coming back for him, it is probably true that your human-named pet is suspicious of your whereabouts. No lies, no foul, no text.

3. Your Shameful Eating Habits


If you read this blog, chances are you are one of my friends since it only started like a week ago and you're giving me pity views for this project that will ultimately fail (Thanks, friends!).  I know for a fact that most of my friends have done some atrocious eating in their lives.  You know who you are. Pets with human names are a helpful tool in hiding your shameful habit of eating feelings and items that you once put in the garbage.  It will require that you give your pet a bite of your people food, but just one, as more might make them sick and fat.  When coworkers ask what you did last night, you no longer have to tell them that you polished off a whole pint of dark chocolate gelato by yourself and performed your weekly Google clean-up of searches of exes and more successful friends from college.  Why you and Mitchell just shared some gelato and chilled out! No one will ask in what proportions you shared it, unless you work with inquisitive mathematicians. Which you don't cause all my friends work in soft-skills jobs.  Is Mitchell a roommate?  A lover? Who knows, you're not one of those uncouth work blabbermouths anyway.  Make sure that Mitchell is not a dog as the chocolate might actually kill him and then you'll be a murderer.

That's really it.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home so me and Keith can sit together at the window and just watch the snow fall.