I Will Be a Great Mother One Day Because I Can Tell My Cat is an Asshole

Parenting, what a trip right? Sleepless nights, thankless duties, the futile dream of my pre-baby body! But there's also the unspeakable joy and tremendous love that no non-parent can understand until they've experienced the blessing of parenthood. J/K, I just have a cat.  And look, there he is, judging you quietly! photo

I know, I know, providing food and a clean place to defecate once a day with a few snuggles here and there is not the same as taking care of a real, actual person that will have to be a grown-ass man or woman some day.   But this is a jokey blog for joking around with some jokers so relax!

When Keith (the kitty) was just a wee thing in the world, he was the absolute center of the universe. I doted on him, held him close at all times, and fretted over his every noise and movement thinking it might be a sign of illness. I took him to a fancy veterinarian. I was also convinced that he was the cutest cat in the world, despite several pieces of evidence to the contrary on Buzzfeed.  But in recent months I have discovered that my cat is totally average. And also, totally an asshole.

This picture sums up pretty succinctly his modus operandi:


He is confrontational, demanding, and straight-up r00d (that's Internet for "rude" and all cats are originally from the Internet). He bites my eyebrows in my sleep! He knocks over his water on purpose! He rolls around in the bathtub like a lunatic and then dries off on my luxurious IKEA pullout couch!  He is absolutely useless at gauging my emotions and acting as the living teddy bear I want him to in times of distress (Yeah, I know that's what dogs are for, step off).  And for these reasons, I know that he is ill-suited to certain company and I act accordingly.

I have been to brunch in Brooklyn often enough to know that too many people think that their own ill-behaved offspring are the bee's knees.  If I hear another "Oh, honey, please stop" when some kid is trying to burn the place down while I'm trying to enjoy my eggs florentine, I am going to swing a dead cat at them (not mine, one that I...find somewhere? I'm not a MONSTER.)  I sincerely hope that I can have the same awareness of my children as I have about my cat.  Yeah, he is the still point on the moving Earth as far as I'm concerned, but he is not everyone's cup of tea and I need to reign it in.  He is my holy terror to deal with and no one else's.  Now, take my ponytail out of your mouth and get out of my room.

Keith, if you're reading this, I hope you understand that these statements come from a place of love.  This one goes out to you, kiddo.